


chimera

by bloodandpepper



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Armitage Hux is a Jerk, Drama and Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hux has issues too, Hux is definitely not nice, Idiots in Love, Injured Hux, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Leia Organa cameo, Luke Skywalker cameo, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Runaway, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Unresolved Sexual Tension, believe me, blood a lot of blood, canon-typical loss of limbs, fall of the first order, heavy snark, porn in later chapter, redemption arc without redemption, they both need a therapist, with a dash of happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2018-12-25 02:03:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 40,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12025767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodandpepper/pseuds/bloodandpepper
Summary: It was all going down the drain, Hux was well aware.It wasn't as if he'd planned on growing old in peace - the thought alone was borderline laughable - but he was not prepared for the course of events that unfurled, when Kylo Ren forcefully dragged him off the bridge of a burning and crashing Finalizer. Personally, he'd been pretty much okay with going down with his ship in a blaze of glory, but of course Ren had other plans in store.It was one of the many unsolved miracles concerning the knight, why those plans had to include him of all people.





	1. breathing fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Chimera (/kɪˈmɪərə/ or /kaɪˈmɪərə/, also Chimaera (Chimæra); Greek: Χίμαιρα, Chímaira "she-goat") was, according to Greek mythology, a monstrous fire-breathing hybrid creature of Lycia in Asia Minor, composed of the parts of more than one animal. It is usually depicted as a lion, with the head of a goat arising from its back, and a tail that might end with a snake's head, and was one of the offspring of Typhon and Echidna and a sibling of such monsters as Cerberus and the Lernaean Hydra.
> 
> The term chimera has come to describe any mythical or fictional animal with parts taken from various animals, or to describe anything composed of very disparate parts, or perceived as wildly imaginative, implausible, or dazzling.
> 
> The seeing of a Chimera was an omen for disaster.

The explosion shook the ship to her very core.

The wall next to Hux turned to debris in a shower of sparks and smoke from one moment to the next, catapulting him through the air as if he weighed nothing. He crashed down next to the main viewport, lying on his side, unmoving. He heard people scream in pain, while others shouted orders - everything mixed up to a shrill cacophony in his ears. Hux was dimly aware that he should feel pain, too, or at least bark orders himself, but instead he just focused on drawing in shallow breaths to fight his rising nausea, as well as trying to will the world around him to stop turning in circles.

It was all going down the drain.

Again.

Only this time, most likely for good.

He’d always assumed that he would never grow old in peace – the thought alone was borderline laughable - so dying now was just as good as any other time. Or just as bad.

The smoke made his eyes water and obscured the sight outside the window, but Hux was sure that the _Finalizer_ lost her stable axis and was turning down sideways, losing altitude fast and hurtling towards the planet’s surface.

Clawing his hand into the unyielding durasteel frame of the viewport, he pulled himself up to a more or less standing position: He wouldn’t face death sitting on his ass, if he could help it. As he regained the ability to move, the pain came back full force: His right thigh was burned up to his hip and across his rib cage, pulsating in even stabs, and he was positive that he’d acquired a concussion on top of that; the dull ache quickly forming to an excruciating pain in his temples as he tried to exhale through clenched teeth.

Hux felt as if he was breathing fire.

“…evacuate.”

He didn’t sound like himself at all, his voice distorted beyond recognition to his own ears, as the swirling chaos on the _Finalizer’s_ bridge continued to unfurl. Hux felt the cold surface of the glass behind him, biting into his shoulder blades, a sharp contrast to the blazing air around him. He spread his palms out on it, as if to soak in its coolness through the leather of his gloves and send it right to his burning lungs.

“EVACUATE!”

This time, he was heard.

Through the wads of smoke, he was able to make out Lieutenant Mitaka’s face – features covered in blood and one eye closed tightly – but staring at him intently nonetheless from his other, good one. He’s never seen his usually meek officer so resolute.   

“Affirmative, General. All stations have order to evacuate, I repeat, all sta-…”

Another explosion brought his words to an untimely end and once again, he was hidden from Hux’s view, when parts of the ceiling came crashing down, smashing his console. He continued to stare at the very spot, where only seconds before his Lieutenant had been.

“Sir, we have to leave!” Hux regarded the young radar officer that seemed to have appeared out of a cloud of fume right next to him in open confusion. She looked at him pleadingly, but Hux wasn’t even able to remember her name. Shaking his head in a mute refusal, he brushed her off.

“Go.”

There was no use in running, this was his ship.

He saw tears well up in her eyes, when she finally turned on her heel and started to bolt towards the nearest exit.    

With the crew fleeing for the emergency pods, the bridge grew eerily silent. The flames still crackled, the durasteel construction of the ship shrieked under strain now and then, and the wafting smoke along the heat were still almost unbearable - but otherwise the bridge was floating in a fragile bubble of quietness, with Hux in its center. Leaning heavily onto the viewport, he waited. Just waited for it to end.

He’d never thought of himself as a very patient person, but right now, he didn’t mind to wait at all. He felt no panic or sadness, no reminiscence of the life he’d lived, or overthinking the deeds he’d done. If anything, he was annoyed that he should probably feel something like that. His mind was clear, and he was sure he heard a chuckling voice in the back of his head saying: _No regrets._

_Except maybe one._

His tired gaze drifted to the clouds beyond the glass, and he watched them pass by in twirling streaks, as the _Finalizer_ hurried towards her final destination, crashing through the atmosphere with flailing tails of black smoke right behind her.

_You’ve never told him._

The voice that before had shook with laughter, turned bitter, accusatory. Not one, tiny regret, except for _this_.

For a person gifted with sharp eyes and an even sharper tongue, he proved to be surprisingly silent and unseeing in matters of personal interest and affection, seldom acting upon his desires – even if they ate at him constantly. Well, it was too late now to remedy this. Far too late.

Closing his eyes, he leant his head against the glass, cheek gracing the wonderful cool surface. There was no one here to judge him, if in his last moments, he would be thinking of him. It would make waiting worthwhile.

Breathing got increasingly harder with thick wads of smoke engulfing him. If things progressed at this rate, he would be dead by smoke inhalation before his beloved star destroyer finally hit ground. So much for waiting in patience.         

A violent cough wrecked through Hux’s body, setting his nerve endings aflame in pain again, and tears formed at the corners of his eyes. When he was able to breathe again and lifted his gaze, Hux’s first assumption was – with his brain being half-scrambled and the fumes from the flames finally getting to him - that he was seeing a ghost. Because standing between the fallen beams of the ceiling and almost swallowed whole by smoke and fire, stood Kylo Ren like a specter from a different realm, threatening and beautiful.  

Hux was one step away from thanking his suffocating brain for coming up with such a nice hallucination, when said phantom pushed through the destruction surrounding them and grabbed his upper arms in a vice-like grip, hissing an angry, “What the _fuck_ are you waiting for, Hux?! ”  

He was inclined to answer with a deadpanned ‘death’, but the steely determination in the other’s eyes let his snarky retort die on his lips before it even formed, but Ren seemed to have felt his unspoken words nonetheless, as a deep frown appeared on his face.

“You’re not going to die here, Hux,” and as if to undermine his words, the plume cleared around them, granting Hux the first deep breath since this downfall started.

He wanted to counter with a sarcastic rant about Ren’s stupid Force tricks becoming handy for the first time ever and how it was his own fucking decision when, where and how he deigned to die - but when he opened his mouth to answer, not a single word made it beyond his dry lips. Why was Ren even aboard ship? He shouldn’t be here at all.

Again, Ren was picking up his stray thoughts.

“Yet, here I am. We need to leave. _Now_.” His pitch-black eyes mirrored the fire around them, adding to the urgency of his words.

Hux wasn’t able to withstand his piercing gaze, so he turned his head sideways again. It took so much energy to from the sentences that sat at the very tip of his tongue, but in the end, they spilled freely. “I’m going nowhere. My place is here.”

The grip to his arms became painful, and he gasped in surprise. Not lessening the pressure one bit, Ren’s words were a snarl with flashing teeth, “I never took you for someone having a death wish.”

He was tired to the bone and his body shook with small tremors by now, but at least he regained the courage to look Ren right in the eyes again, even if concentrating seemed to be a herculean task. “I never made wishes in all of my life; I just know when I’ve been defeated. I’m going down with my ship…as it is the commander’s duty.”   

Kylo Ren wasn’t only angry; he was obviously downright seething with rage barely contained.

“You kriffing idiot,” was all Hux heard, before the world turned upside down and pain shot through his injured side, forcing out a cry of agony, as he was gracelessly thrown over Ren’s broad shoulder, uncaring of any resemblance of dignity and decorum. 

With an arm firmly holding Hux’s thighs pressed to his torso, there was not much he was able to do to be set free, but he squirmed and cursed with all the spite he had left. Punching Kylo Ren’s behind with the last of his energy surely granted him some satisfaction, though it didn’t alter the outcome: He hanged off Ren’s shoulder like an overly large sack of flour in the end.

With his blood starting to collect in his head, Hux’s sight got fuzzy again and reality blurred at its edges, as Ren hurried through the _Finalizer’s_ hallways, an apparently clear destination in mind.

Hux had lost all sense of time and he wasn’t sure, if five minutes had passed or five hours, when Ren finally put him down in a seat surprisingly gently, which contrasted his earlier brutish handling.

Hux’s head was lolling on the headrest, while he tried his hardest to focus; his eyes only able to perceive either smudged colors or flickering lights that blinded him. They must be maneuvering through heavy laser fire. The humming of an engine indicated that they were gaining height and if he listened closely, he heard the small clicks and scratches, being proof that Ren was using the controls to steer the vessel. Just then, an even beeping announced that they were leaving the atmosphere and going for hyper jump: And this meant they were relatively safe.

“...the _Finalizer_ …where is she…,” Hux asked, voice dry and almost inaudible.

The pause following his request seemed to stretch for an infinity.

“Gone. She’s gone, Hux.” Ren’s words were wafting through his head in an endless loop and along with the dancing lights around him. Everything formed an ugly kaleidoscope of sounds and colors.

 _Gone. Gone. Gone,_ in a never-ending mantra.

He wanted to cry, he really did, but the tears did not come as easily as he wished they would.

The cold was clawing its nails along his body and he shivered involuntarily, pressing his eyes closed again. He gasped in shock as he was suddenly engulfed by warmth, when a heavy, yet coarse fabric was draped over his shaking body.

It smelled of scorched duraplast and dried blood, nevertheless emitting comfort and security in a way Hux was unable to pinpoint. Maybe it had something to do with that stringent causality leading from the cloth itself to its wearer.

 _Of course_. Ren’s cowl proved to be the source for a classic case of projection.

Hux felt the corners of his mouth twitch upwards despite all circumstances, to form an exhausted half-smile. His eyes seemed to be useless at the moment, but at least his brain was still able to connect the dots to a certain degree: He went from wanting to cry his eyes out, straight to an enamored smile? The concussion must have been worse than he originally thought, that much was obvious.

Fingers carding through his sweat-crusted hair brought him out of his musings, and he turned his head sideways. The opening of an emergency water ration was pressed to his chapped lips and he opened his mouth willingly: He hadn’t noticed how he thirsted for water until that very moment.

“Slow down, Hux, you’ll choke.”

He didn’t care, the liquid running down his throat felt heavenly and he only stopped when there wasn’t a single drop left to gulp down.  

Only then did he notice that the fingers stroking through his hair never ceased their silent dance. Relaxing into the caress, he wondered if Ren had put some drug into the water as the pulsating pain from his burns slowly receded and sleep began to weigh down heavy on him, drawing up memories of days long gone.

He remembered feathery fingers stroking over the crown of his head and a clear voice humming a simple tune _._

_Shhh, my darling, make a wish and go to sleep again._

How could he have forgotten the refrain, but he remembered now. Remembered her bright ocean-eyes and her sad smile that was always reserved just for him.

“Ma…,” he sighed in content as darkness swallowed him whole.

Next to him, Kylo Ren sat frozen in motion, his lips forming a thin, bitter line.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [uhm, hello](http://blood-and-pepper.tumblr.com/)


	2. black socks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, the boys are suffering.

He was continuously slipping in and out of consciousness: reality and dream blurring together to an indistinguishable mash. He felt coarse hands roaming over his skin. At one point, he must’ve been awake enough to force down some liquidized emergency ration. What startled him awake, however, was a plucking at his wounds that shot hot daggers up his body, forcing a pained cry from his throat.

“Shhh, Hux, it’s okay, I didn’t want to hurt you. Calm down, it’s all okay!”

It took him a moment to sort out the location and his surroundings – and all came crashing down upon him with oppressive force: The _Finalizer’s_ end, his unwilling escape. And now Kylo fucking Ren was sitting next to him with bacta patches in one hand, while he fidgeted with his other at what remained left of his scorched trousers. Hux’s upper body already laid bare and roughly patched up, but his legwear proved to be a real challenge.

“The fabric has merged with your wounds. This really sucks.” Ren was frowning in concentration and had the tip of his tongue caught between his lips, poking out to the corner of his mouth.

 _What an alien, yet strangely adorable sight._ Hux’s mind didn’t come up with anything else and seemed to repeat this in an endless loop.

Ren shot him a worried gaze.

“Good thing you are still high as kite,” he said with a lopsided smile. “Listen, Hux, we need to treat your injuries before they can get infected, okay? We’re already running low on medication. I’m Force-knocking you out again.”

Hux’s hand shot up out of its own accord, clawing into Ren’s dark locks and pulling him down to his eyelevel with strength he didn’t know he possessed – even less given the circumstances.

“How…dare you,” he hissed, lifting his torso up on one arm in order to lean into Ren’s personal space further, baring his teeth like an angered beast, never ceasing his iron grip on his tuft of hair, “From now on…you stop making decisions…on my behalf…understood?!”

Ren was twisting like a caught fish, grabbing Hux’s wrist, but refrained from using force – any kind of it - on him.

“Okay, I got it! Let go!”

With an annoyed huff, Hux eased his hold and sank back onto the narrow cot, breathing heavily.

“Fine. _Fine_ , if you prefer to suffer through this, be my guest.” He was now fussing with a pair of scissors from the med kit with more drama than necessary. “I have to cut you out of those, you know,” he said, gesturing in the vague direction of Hux’s pants.

Closing his eyes in frustration, Hux exhaled through clenched teeth. “I’m well aware. But do so… with something that will actually work.” He had to pause to gather some strength. “Those scissors were decent enough to cut through my tank top…they won’t work on my uniform.”

“Heh. First Order high quality, I guess.”

“Exactly. There’s a vibroblade…inner side of my left boot.”

“…why are you keeping such a weapon there.”

“Emergencies…like this. And don’t forget, I’m a soldier, too.”  

His large palms patted along his calve and retrieved the small item easily, getting rid of Hux’s boot at the same time. He turned the knife in his hands appreciatively. “Nice. Simple, yet very effective. It suits you quite well, General.”

“Spare me this fuss. Start working.”

Shaking his head along with a silent smile, he began to place the bacta pads on the biggest wounds, soaking their rims with the fluid to separate them from the surrounding fabric, and started to cut the fabric around them with oddly practiced moves. Then he peeled off the left-over stripes of cloth still clinging to the burns.

There was no denying it: It hurt like hell, and Hux clawed his hands into the thin mattress as if his life would depend on it. He couldn’t suppress the pained groans escaping his throat involuntarily nonetheless.

“This was your choice – you could’ve had it easier. I can still help you out, you know.” Ren’s voice was calm, almost introverted, as he continued his task with a focused dedication so very unlike him.

“Shut. Up.”

“Just saying. I’m almost finished anyway.”

“Why are…why are you doing this. All of this…you gain nothing from it.” Hux wanted nothing more than to slip back into blissful, dreamless sleep again, yet he searched Ren’s gaze out of spite - and found him looking back at him with eyes shining in an amber hue, showing an unknown softness.

“Because I wanted to.”

“Altruism doesn’t suit you, Kylo Ren.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe things are different, when it comes to you.”

His words were barely audible in the end, and Hux wasn’t sure if he’d heard right, because his senses were already starting to desert him again. He was convinced he was already dreaming when the last words were spoken.

_It’s always different, when it comes to you. Always._

 

The next time Hux awoke, he was fully patched up and a thin blanket covered his bare body. Ren was nowhere in sight.

He sat up, careful not to aggravate his injured side, but his head decided to start several rounds of merry-go-round and he had to lie down again to stop the world from spinning. Breathing his dizziness away with measured intakes of air actually worked and upon his second try, he was able to make it to a sitting position, with his legs thrown over the side of the bed.

Draping himself into the cloth, he tentatively tried to stand up – and to his delight, his legs were able to carry his weight and follow his orders, then took one slow step after the other step in direction of the refresher, where he stood in the doorway, staring at the face that greeted him in the mirror.

“Fuck.”

He took another step and leant heavily on the sink with his free hand, while his eyes scanned over his own features: His eyes lay sunken with dark shadows lingering beneath them; his hair was scorched in some places and falling over his forehead in greasy strands; his skin scratched with the stubble of not having shaved for some time and had the sickening color of ash. He had minor burns on his throat and over the apex of his shoulder, and, as he lowered his makeshift clothing, was met with the sight of inflamed areas around the bacta pads that ran down the right side of his body. He had to huff a laugh the moment he noticed that he was still wearing his black standard issue socks as the only garment left.

He looked like a zombie freshly stepped out of some B-level holovid. But he was alive.

_Ren is the reason you are still here._

He let water run over his wrists, splashed some on his face, used the toilet, and staggered to the cockpit in order to find the only person other than himself.

 

Hux was sure his shuffling steps were noticeable from a parsec away, but upon entering, he found Ren flinching in surprise were he sat crouched and sunken to a mere heap in the pilot’s seat.

_Something’s off._

Whatever could’ve possibly happened to worsen their already devastating situation, was obviously right underway.

Ren’s whole body language screamed defeat and when he looked up to meet Hux’s gaze, his eyes were red-rimmed and shone with unshed tears. It was odd to see the huge man reduced to this and Hux felt something pull at his guts and the half-choked, “Ren?” was testament to that feeling.  

He turned his face away again, as if he was ashamed to be seen like this. Hux took a hold of the co-pilot seat in front of him, leaning onto it heavily.

“He’s dead, Hux. She has killed him.”

_She._

The scavenger girl - whenever Ren talked about a female, it was always her. But whom did she kill?

He heard Ren drawing in a deep, shaky breath as he propped his boots up on the dash before him, leaning back into the seat. His long arms rested on his knees now and when he finally met Hux’s inquiring gaze again, Hux knew the answer.

“I’m free. For the first time in my life, I’m free,” Ren whispered with an underlying desperation that mixed with elation at the same time, to form a new, undefinable emotion.

_Snoke is dead._

Hux wasn’t aware that he was holding his breath, but his body was starting to shiver under the tension. This was the end of the First Order – definitely and irreversible.

_The mighty beast had lost its head and was bound to bleed to death..._

Losing his star destroyer was one thing, losing their leader, something entirely else. Black dots were starting to dance right before Hux’s eyes and the clawing grip to the seat’s back grew too painful. He fell like in slow motion, with his mind fully awake to witness his breakdown. His legs gave out and he waited for the pain of crashing to the floor, but something stopped his descent in mid-motion. The same something lifted him up to place him into the seat gently.

Oh, how he hated it to be the frail damsel in distress that had to be rescued by the mighty knight. Over and over again.

Yet, here he was, sitting injured alongside a troubled Kylo Ren in a small standard shuttle, dressed in only socks and a flimsy blanket, drifting through the middle of nowhere, with everything they both had worked for and towards to, laying in shambles at their feet.  

Hux refused to open his burning eyes, yet he felt the wet tracks his tears left on his cheeks.

“Freedom is such a horrible thing, isn’t it,” he spoke in a small voice, pulling the cloth closer around his body, searching for shelter and finding none.

“It’s scary as fuck.”

“That was supposed to be a rhetorical question, Ren.”

“I answered, nonetheless.”

“I noticed.”

“Hux?”

“Hm?”

There was a pregnant pause following their banter, and Hux could practically see Ren biting his lower lip, even with his eyes still closed tightly.

“We are in this together, aren’t we? And this isn’t a rhetorical thingie; I want an answer, okay?”

Hux couldn’t help himself; he had to laugh out loud. This whole scene was too surreal to be treated as reality, so laughing his ass off seemed to be a proper and decent reaction. This time, he opened his eyes and held Ren’s gaze when he answered him.

“We are sitting together in the pilot seats on a ship without a proper destination, while we’re crying our eyes out over our failed life concepts and talking about philosophy and rhetoric. I guess this qualifies as ‘being together in this’, don’t you think?”

“Yes, I think this qualifies quite nicely.” Ren was smiling at him, and it wasn’t only Hux’s weakened circulation that did funny things to his stomach. “There’s no going back now, there’s nothing left to return to. We are kinda on the run. We need a plan, Hux.”

“And that’s why you are looking at me so hopefully.”

“You’re the master strategist here!”

Hux had to snort in open amusement. “That’s the real reason you dragged me from my ship – you need a thinker, someone to plot and plan.”

Ren’s bangs were hanging over his eyes, when he turned his head in his direction, but there shone a clear and honest question in them. Instead of asking directly, he muttered, “I’m sorry that I did that, but your death would’ve been unnecessary.”

It took Hux a moment to identify Ren’s unspoken inquiry as an _‘Are you mad at me for ignoring your wishes, even if it saved your ass’._

“You didn’t listen back then, Kylo Ren: I said I didn’t wish for death, but saw it as my duty to go down with my ship. You forced me to abandon these duties, but…I’m glad to be alive. I won’t thank you, though. Also: You are a fucking _brute_.”

Ren blinked at him a few times, and then a roaring laugh shook him. Hux watched him all the while with a raised eyebrow.

“Okay, that’s fair, but it’s strange to hear you curse so crudely.”

“I can assure you, I’ve stranger things in store than that,” Hux said as he leant his head on his hand. He would’ve liked to cross his legs, but his burns prohibited that, so a petty smile hushing over his lips had to be sufficient.

“Without a doubt, General.”

“There’s no longer any reason to call me that, you know.”

“Practically spoken, this shuttle is still yours to command. You are now General over a one-man-crew.”

“You are my…you are the crew.” He almost stumbled into a sentence way too suggestive for his liking, so he feigned an exasperated tone that additionally veiled the grave loss behind the words rather well. Looking around the small cockpit, Hux heaved a worried sigh. “We need to get rid of this shuttle. Fast. It gives us away at the first sight of trouble.”

“And how do you plan on achieving that? Other ships ready-to-board don’t sprout in…asteroid…” The end of his sentence hang in the air unfinished, as Ren seemed to be lost in thought. “Sanna’s captured pirate ship – maybe it’s still there…” he mumbled as he opened various star maps on his dash.

“Would you care to enlighten me?” Hux hated to be left in the dark.

“Sanna Ren is one of my knights. She got her hands on an old pirate ship during one of our missions and grew a liking for it, spending a lot of time keeping it running; like a private project. She’s quite the mechanic. It’s an ugly mash-up out of several other ships, but as far as I remember, it was still ready to fly the last time I saw it. She hid it in an asteroid belt in the Outer Rim.” And if to underline his words, a blue dot started to blink on his display, indicating the location.

“It’s within our reach,” Hux said as excitement started to crawl over his skin. “Let’s go for it.”

“Aye, aye, General.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [uhm, hello](http://blood-and-pepper.tumblr.com/)


	3. a little bit of luck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for suicide (none of the boys, rest assured) and possible disturbing imagery (graphic nightmare)

One of the most frustrating things in the whole, wide galaxy had to be stumbling right before the finishing line – the goal painfully near in sight. Hux wished for the first time in his life, that luck would be on his side; that _for once_ , he wouldn’t have to fight and claw for every damn achievement – but apparently, life was deaf on that ear, because right now, the only thing that saved their flimsy little shuttle - and along with that, their asses - from being shot to a glittering debris field, were Kylo Ren’s admittedly superb skills at piloting, as he outmaneuvered the patrol ship that followed them close on their heels.

“These bastards didn’t even hail us, just started firing immediately,” Ren growled in his direction and graced him with a short astonished glance when Hux flopped down into the co-pilot seat, wearing his blanket knotted together over his right shoulder as a makeshift robe that at least allowed him the bare minimum of dignity and practicability. Training his eyes forward again in concentration, Ren continued, “They want us dead, that much is obvious.”

“No time for diplomacy then, I guess,” was Hux’s reply with unveiled sarcasm, while he skimmed over the displays to his right. “Deflector shield is on, canon loaded. I’m opening fire.”

With that, salve after salve rained down onto the other ship, as Ren steered them in spiraling loops to shake them off.

“Damn, I wish I had a nice neutron torpedo…,” Hux spit in annoyance, “That would end this so much faster.” Again they were surrounded by laser fire and their shuttle shook with the impacts bouncing off the shields. Hux didn’t waste time: He reloaded and with a precise shot, their deflectors were flashing off in a shower of sparks.

“Your personal file was right: You _are_ a good shot,” Ren remarked with an added half-smirk and another fast glance he probably thought to be subtle, but did not go unnoticed on Hux’s side.

“I’m mildly flattered that you bothered to take a look at that at all. But you should’ve read my file more attentively,” he said, eyes still trained on the crosshairs in front of him. “I was the best shot of my year.”

The moment Ren forced the nose of their ship downwards to sink below their opponent, the other ship took his blast directly and exploded in a fireball, as if to underline Hux’s words. Parts of the wreckage were hissing around them as Ren brought their ship up clear, still checking his displays.

“Nice stunt, General, but I hate to spoil your victory: I strongly doubt that patrol ship was the only one out here. Maybe they were able to call for reinforcements – if not, they will probably be missed shortly.”

“Yes, most likely. We need to get away from here, fast – and it was _our_ victory, Ren,” he added, shooting a measured gaze of appreciation in his direction. Hux expected him to return his gesture, but was confused when Ren turned away hurriedly to fuss with his controls. His face was hidden behind a curtain of black hair, but the burning red tip of his ear gave him away _._

 _Interesting_.

_Kylo Ren seems to be very receptive to praise._

Hux filed this new knowledge away carefully into a mental folder labeled ‘the never ending miracles concerning Kylo Ren’.

“There’s a nebula surrounding a proton star emitting strong electromagnetic disturbances around two hours away at maximum speed. I would say we keep it low for a while and go into hiding there until the coast is clear,” Ren said, still not looking up from his dash.

Hux frowned as he leaned back in his seat and finally allowed himself to relax a bit. With the rush of adrenaline gone and the heat of battle slowly seeping out of his body, his faintness returned again and he chided himself for it. Nonetheless, he turned to Ren. “How about our resources? Are they sufficient for a prolonged stay in a nebula?”

“Your resources are sufficient for _nothing,_ General. But we can’t outrun them or face them headfirst.” He exhaled through his nose, “Believe me, waiting hungrily isn’t exactly my forte, but I don’t see any other options for now.”

Rising from his seat, Hux held the open side of his garment closed with his hand and regarded Ren’s profile, lost in thought. Feeling his gaze on him, Ren watched him from the corner of his eyes, waiting for an answer. All possibilities considered, Hux had to admit that the suggested course of action seemed to be the best one. 

“Okay.”

Ren cocked his head in irritation. “’Okay’, what?”

“I just approved of your plan.”

“Yes, but without the added ranting against it: that’s new.”

Hux couldn’t help the tiny smile that wormed its way on his lips. “Learn one new thing every day – that was the saying, wasn’t it. You should start today, Kylo Ren. And it’s a decent plan.”

Ren rotated his seat to fully turn towards him and let his eyes wander over Hux’s form for the third time within the past half hour. Starting to feel self-conscious, Hux pulled the cloth closer to his body, but held the other’s gaze out of spite. When the tension between them became too much and breathing felt like swallowing syrup, Ren rose in a shockingly fluid motion and started to fidget with his broad belt. Now it was Hux’s turn to go beet red, given the nature of the not-so-subtle sexual display of Ren shedding his outer layer right within their shared personal space, but to his surprise and hidden disappointment, he stopped when his belt came loose.

Standing there frozen like a deer in headlights, Hux watched as Ren looped the band around his midsection – carefully aware not to put too much strain on Hux burns at his hip. Where the belt originally settled snug around Ren’s waist, it hugged Hux’s hips due to his much slenderer build, but did its job nonetheless: It gathered the threadbare fabric to a surprisingly elegant ensemble.

“Perfect,” Ren muttered as he watched his handiwork in content. “The belt even matches your black socks.”

Snorting at the remark, Hux felt all the pent-up tension leave his body all at once and he raked his hand through his messy hair, trying in vain to smooth out the strands that clotted together.

“Sure. A shower and a shave and I am ready for catwalk.”

“Nothing can possibly diminish your beauty,” Ren said as a joke, but the underlying tone suggested a way truer meaning to those words, and, upon noticing this, he averted his eyes and swallowed dryly. “Well, there’s the sink for washing and you could use your vibroblade to shave.”

“We are running out of water within the next few days and you’d suggest that I scratch a high-end blade sharp enough to slice bones into ribbons over my face to get rid of excess body hair. That’s what I would call a stupid plan.”

“Let’s stick to plan A then,” he answered with a rumbling laugh, reclining back into his chair and hammering in the coordinates. “A decent plan alone won’t do, though. We are in dire need for some more luck, Hux.”

“I didn’t know luck was with us at all.”

“Hey, we had pretty much luck so far, given the fact that we are both still alive and kicking despite the catastrophes.”

Hux watched Ren in rapt attention as the other started the calculations for their jump to hyper drive – silently pondering whether everything was possible, as long as Kylo Ren was by his side. 

Maybe luck was following him with silent steps all this time, without him realizing it one bit.

 

***

 

There where red lightning bolts dancing before his viewport like oversized fireworks, when luck left his side the following night.

Fever had started to creep its way into his blood and bones, leaving him shivering in cold sweat on his cot. Ren's frear of wound-infection proved to have become reality. Hux heard his deep voice, but wasn’t able to make out words, let alone sentences; the deep rumble soothed him though.

When he felt large hands cradle his head, he followed the motion like a child at the hand of their mother. He flinched as the sting of an injector pierced through the skin at his throat. Funny, he was sure they were already out of medication: Maybe a tiny bit of luck was left in store for him after all.  

His body felt heavy as lead and at the same time, he was drifting in space, free, without any borders – it felt as if something had liquefied his whole self and sent it afloat in all directions. Hux thought that maybe he was dying and this was what trespassing to a beyond felt like, but he was still able to hear Ren’s voice, luring him back from wherever he’d been drifting to, at least for a moment, but in the end, darkness gulped him down whole without much resistance.

The faces came unbidden, like a beast with several different heads, all leering at him, one after the other.

First, he saw Lieutenant Mitaka’s blood-smeared face, simply staring at him from his uninjured eye, but he felt his gaze burning holes into his body, spreading fire from within. He vanished out of sight from one moment to the next, like he did back then, what felt so long time ago, aboard the _Finalizer_.

Vanished forever, leaving ashes in his wake.

His father appeared next and Hux saw him the way he looked the last time he met him: Snarling at him in undisguised hatred, but with the knowledge shining in his eyes, that it will be his own flesh and blood ending his life. A laugh bubbled up Hux’s throat and the familiar voice in the back of his mind started chanting _no regrets, no regrets, no regrets_ in a rising crescendo that made the world spin around its axis in a mad dance.

With that, his father’s face dissolved to nothingness, where it belonged to. 

Then he gazed upon his beautiful weapon, watched her spitting fire into the clear winter sky and streak across the heavens to bring death upon billions. Standing in the red halo again, he tried to summon his mind-voice to sing his mantra like it did with his father – but found himself being targeted by the very beam he created, spreading gleaming agony around him. He burned and burned, and even as he was already reduced to embers and ashes, he still burned. He didn’t even find his voice to scream in terror.

Wordless and soundless, he crumbled and decayed, until nothing was left of him.

It was his mother that birthed him again somehow. He heard her sing the lullaby; the song engulfed him like a warm blanket, but he wasn’t able to see her face, so he started to run, chasing her across an endless plain. He searched frantically, following the song like a beacon in a night too dark to see. When he finally made it to her side, and saw her tall form floating right in front of him, she turned to look at him with eyes long dead. Her white neck cocked to the side in an unnatural angle and the noose still dangling around her throat: she looked exactly like the way he’d found her so many years ago.

He was back being the small, terrified boy, who started to scream with all his might.

Someone held him tight, and again, there was a hand in his hair – only this time, one way larger than the dream hand before. Gentle warmth surrounded him and he could’ve sworn that there were lips pressing a soothing kiss to his forehead, as he felt warm breath ghost over his features. He clawed his hands into the body next to him, letting it ground him, while his body still shook with tremors. The deep voice was back again and he let it wash over him, lying there, just listening.

“I’ve got you. It’s going to be fine, hear me. You will make it. I’ll make sure of that. Hear me, Hux? You’ll make it. I’ll bring you somewhere nice. We’re almost on the way. You’ll recover, beautiful soul, you’ll recover.”

He wasn’t really sure what the voice was talking about and there was a certain direness that rang in those words, but he decided to believe them unasked - as long as it kept the monster with the different faces away.

A soft fabric was thrown over his body and he had the feeling of being lifted and carried by strong arms. When he opened his tired eyes, he saw the walls of a cave only lit by a few dim lights and a lowered loading ramp that lead to a strange, ill-colored ship. The moment he tried to lift his head to look at the man carrying him, he suddenly remembered the beast’s name.

“…Chimera…,” he whispered into the rough cloth that separated him from the other’s skin. It felt as if naming the monster shooed it way, because when he closed his eyes again, no face was spitting venom at him or tried to drag him to hell with pictures of people already dead and gone.

He heard a rumbling chuckle and the chest he leant against heaved along with it.

“That’s a nice name for an ugly ship, Hux,” the other spoke, never ceasing his long strides as they entered the ship’s hallway.

 Hux was aware that he had to know this man, everything about him spoke of familiarity, but he was unable to recall his name. No matter how much he racked his brain, no answer came.

When he was lowered onto a matrass gently and the hand was back stroking through his hair, Hux opened his eyes again. Yes, he remembered those almost-black eyes and their soft gleam, remembered this face with the long nose, the full lips. His dark locks were falling over his forehead and curling at his chin, framing his features.

Yes, he remembered. Naming the beast made it disappear – naming him would make him real forever, Hux was sure of that in a childlike, naïve way.

“Kylo,” he said as if that name was a magical spell and watched the other’s eyes widen a fraction with an emotion Hux was unable to identify.

The moment Hux closed his eyes again, he was sure there would be no beast lingering in the dark corners of his mind, as long as this man was so very real next to him.

A little bit of luck was left for him after all.

That was more than enough.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm obsessed with this story, I'm sorry. 
> 
>  
> 
> [uhm, hello](http://blood-and-pepper.tumblr.com/)


	4. beautiful beasts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cupcakes, please take note that the SELF-HARM tag is there for a reason: Trigger warning for this chapter.
> 
> Also, thanks to my ever-patient beta @nocturnalknowitall

Most people would appear attractive and peaceful when relaxed in sleep. Kylo Ren wasn’t beautiful – not even asleep. 

He wasn’t even good looking by common means or standards. But this man lived to defy everything other people deemed normal and appropriate, so it would make sense in some twisted way that his features underlined that trait. Kylo Ren simply wasn’t ‘other people’; he was his own brand, with his own aesthetics.  

Hux snuggled into the striped duvet draped around him, as he sat and regarded the other, laying in the bunk bed not two steps across from his own. 

There was a certain kind of softness in his features that contradicted his often volatile nature, but sleep lent him a youthful touch that disappeared the moment he was awake, when deep shadows clouded his features and spoke of burdens that must weigh heavy on him. His eyes were moving fast under his lids, but his breath remained deep and steady and Hux let his unhindered gaze wander over the outlaid form dressed down to a simple white tank top and his worn leggings, with just a blanket thrown over his midsection.

Yes, he found himself appreciating Ren’s aesthetics. Hux had to sigh inwardly. If it only would’ve remained with finding the other’s physiognomy appealing.

He wasn’t able to pinpoint the very moment Kylo Ren started to become more than a nuisance to him, but Hux found himself slowly being pulled in by the sheer gravity of the man. Ren was an abyss that swallowed one whole. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to steer in the opposite direction and run as fast as his feet carried him, or let himself fall and be devoured.

Their precarious situation didn’t make the decision any easier, and intensified Hux’s conflict to unknown heights. Running or falling, those were his options, and he detested them vividly. It didn’t help that Ren seemed to be at least somewhat interested in him – even if it might be on the purely physical side, but Ren calling him a ‘beautiful soul’ with such unabashed tenderness, played a chord that indicated something more, something deeper. Hux wasn’t really able to picture both of them _involved_ , but at the same time, going separate ways now felt impossible, too. Ren was right: They were in this together. The next question left to answer was _how._

Dragging his hand over his tired face to wipe drops of sweat away, he noticed that his stubble had grown to a scratchy beard and he groaned in frustration. The fever still soared in his veins, though it had crested its peak. Whatever Ren had injected him with, was doing its job, even though he felt like death – and probably looked like it, too.

_Nice._

Ren sighed in his sleep and rolled to his side, facing Hux. His bare feet were sticking out from under his blanket and an arm splayed over the edge of the bed haphazardly.

Only then did Hux notice the scars running down the width of his forearm: These weren’t the arbitrary mementos of battles fought – they appeared to be systematic, their direction even and numerous, some fainter and faded, others prominent and slightly raised. Epiphany hit him like a sledgehammer, and he crouched closer to have a better look.

_Ren cut himself? Why?_

His thought must’ve been really loud, because Ren startled awake as if roused by an alarm clock; franticly sorting out his surroundings, muscles and tendons flexing in agitation, battle-mode at the ready.

When his blazing eyes zoomed in on Hux, his posture relaxed somewhat, but he still hummed with barely repressed energy. Hux wasn’t one to shy away from any form of confrontation, but the sudden change of situation took him off-guard and he pressed himself closer to the wall, gathering his lanky legs below him, ready to jump up if needed. Ren had proved more than once that he was capable to trash everything in his proximity to smouldering bits and pieces, so Hux readied himself for whatever may happen next. 

Upon realizing Hux’s defensive stance, his posture broke, and he slowly sank back to sit on the bed, leaning forwards with his forearms propped up on his knees and his hands folded together tightly. He tried hard to reign in his heavy breathing.

“I’m sorry. I’ve scared you,” he said, staring at the ground, his face almost completely hidden by his mop of hair. “That wasn’t my intention, believe me…I would never hurt you,” and with that, he loosened his clasped fingers and opened his arms to display the inner sides, his gaze coming up to search Hux’s in a silent request.

“That’s what you wanted to see, isn’t it?”

Hux met his eyes for a fraction of a second, before he let his gaze wander over his outstretched arms, taking in what lay bare so very painfully: Both limbs were marked with the same patterns of thin scars. Suddenly, he felt voyeuristic and repulsed by his own curiosity: As if Ren was a mere piece of flesh laid out for him to be investigated out of pure, selfish inquisitiveness. Ren’s willingness to show off this personal, vulnerable side shocked him more than anything though, and he had to tear his eyes away forcefully.

“I am…this wasn’t…it…,” he stammered as he searched for words in a fashion that was completely out of character for him. Drawing in a deep breath to ground him, Hux tried again. “I didn’t want to expose you like that, Ren.”

A smile was dancing on his lips as he answered, “I did so out of my own accord. You wanted to see, I show you – it’s as simple as that.”

Still feeling uneasy, Hux looked away and started to pluck at his duvet, “You didn’t have to do so, just to satisfy my curiosity.”

The smile was still audible in Ren’s voice when he said, “You asked to see this side of me and I trust you enough to handle this gained knowledge wisely, so stop chiding yourself for it, okay?”

Hux swallowed and nodded, finally able to meet his eyes again.

“As for the ‘why’: It was my way to cope and focus for the longest time. Pain lets you channel your perception inwards, and inflicting it upon yourself comes in handy when you fail to achieve these insights otherwise. It didn’t help me to grow in the end – but I honestly believed it would. Sometimes the reflex to do so is still there, like an itch that won’t go away. It’s kinda stupid, isn’t it?”

_Not at all, Ren. Not at all._

Hux noticed that he had developed this trait to forego voicing the things that were too hard to say directly, in order to speak them in his mind and leave it to Ren to pick them up there. The knowing gleam in Ren’s sideway glance told him, that once again, he’d heard him loud and clear.

“These scars are there to remind me of my failures, that’s why I keep them,” Ren continued.

Prodding at the uppermost bacta patch on his ribcage, Hux said in an even voice, “I guess mine will stay, too.”

“No.” Ren’s voice was resolute and the deep line between his eyebrows spoke so much more than the simple negation. “Scars are for the likes of me. Those, who were never undamaged to begin with, we wear them like clothes. You are nothing like that.”

Hux felt his posture go rigid and despite his weakened state, he held his head high, shooting him a cold glare that transferred his irritation rather well. “Don’t belittle me, Kylo Ren.”

Raking his hands through his hair in frustration, Ren growled, “That isn’t what I meant, Hux. I’m not good with words like you are, so please, let me rephrase,” he admitted as he leant right into Hux’s personal space.

“Scars like these are unbecoming of you for one reason: You fight with brains; your sharp mind is what leads you to victory. You are a soldier, yes, but more on the side of a strategist. I’m a soldier, too, but definitely on the warrior side of the spectrum. You…you are of those beings, meant to stay unblemished, understand? It saddens me that I wasn’t able to get you out of the danger zone sooner.” His voice turned small in the end, his eyes like black marbles. “I hate seeing you suffering like this.”

Something had to be blocking Hux’s air flow, because breathing seemed to become a task too hard to handle. Why did Kylo Ren have to wear his emotions on his sleeves like that? There was no use in running from the maelstrom that was this man, and Hux was quite obviously already drowning in the deep waters surrounding him. He closed his eyes and _Chimera, the beast_ , was lurking in the shadows of his mind again, hissing, _you don’t deserve any of this_ into his ear. He opened his eyes again, because Ren was right next to him, being so very, very real.

“Hux, are you okay? Is your fever rising again?” He crossed the gap between them to kneel in front of him, and draped a large palm across Hux’s forehead, feeling his temperature, and exhaled in relief when he found that this wasn’t the case. “I’ll get you someplace where you can rest and recover.”

“Yes, you said so. I remember,” Hux said, plucking Ren’s hand from his forehead by his wrist, but didn’t cease his hold on it.

“You heard me? You were hallucinating at the time. I wasn’t sure if you’d make it through the night…” He shook his head, as if to get rid of this unpleasant memory. “You named the ship, by the way.” His small smile was back in place and Hux welcomed it with one of his own.

“Is that so?”

“The moment I set foot on Sanna’s pirate ship, you stirred and spoke a name. You were barely conscious, but you managed to come up with one: it’s a good name.”

“Chimera,” Hux whispered and his grip on Ren’s wrist intensified for a moment, and the other looked at him inquiringly. “I dreamed of a beast with many different heads,” he continued.

“Well you should’ve seen this ugly ship: It’s a crafted mess out of two or three ships, at least. So, your name is actually beyond fitting.”

Hux only nodded. Maybe it was a coincidence, maybe fate, or whatever-you-have. But it felt as if the puzzle pieces slowly fell into place to form something new, something wholesome.

“I heard you. Your constant words shooed the nightmares away. I heard them all, Ren.” And into the mind-space between them, he thought the two words that never really left him since the moment he first heard them. 

_Beautiful soul._

Ren flinched as if electrocuted, and a deep blush spread over his pale features. He turned his head sideways, and Hux was sure that if he hadn’t been holding his wrist, he would’ve stormed off out of sheer embarrassment by now.

“Yes, I heard that.” With his free hand, he cupped Ren’s chin to turn his head back again and searched his gaze. “But my soul isn’t beautiful, Kylo Ren. Believe it or not, but I’m one of those damaged people. I haven’t been innocent for one second of my life; there’s always been blemish, and they all added up and grew uglier the older I got. I’ve killed and murdered. Schemed and intrigued. One day the beast will come to drag me to Hell, and I will deserve it. There is nothing beautiful about me. Nothing. I’m no beautiful soul. I’m a monster. A beast like Chimera.”

Now it was Ren’s turn to take Hux’s chin in his hand and for one moment Hux thought he would span the small gap separating them to kiss him, but his fingers merely skimmed over his skin to brush a stray strand of hair away.

“We are awfully alike, aren’t we?”

Flopping down next to him on the mattress, Ren leant his back on the wall and stretched out his long legs, all the while watching him with intent. Hux cocked his head, lost in thought, then heaved a deep sigh and gathered his duvet to join him.

There they sat, side by side, leaning against the wall, shoulders brushing with every little move, enjoying their shared silence for some time.

“It takes a monster to recognize one,” Hux finally murmured. “Maybe you are right and we are more alike than I initially liked to admit. Like two sides of the same coin.

“Coming from your mouth, it almost sounds poetic. I still find you beautiful though.”

“Shut it, Ren.”

“And I will see to it that your burns won’t scar. We are heading to a place where we can hide for a while and you will have time to recover from your injuries. You are meant to be unblemished, no matter what you say.”

“How many times do I have to tell you not to make any decisions on my behalf. I hate that and I will find a way to end you, if you continue to do so, hear me?”

“Will you grab my hair and snarl at me again, like you did last time? You are really scary when you’re furious.”

“You liked that.” It was an ambiguous statement given the fact that his answer applied to both sentences: him being angry _and_ the hair-pulling. He just assumed it to be Ren’s choice to pick up on the undertone no matter what. It was a well-calculated guess, but his assumption hit home full force, when Ren stared to colour again quite nicely: Another maybe not-so-useless knowledge about Kylo Ren to file away for further use. The air between them continued to tingle with simmering tension and Hux wondered, not for the first time, exactly when things between them became so subliminally erotic in nature again and again.

“Whatever. We are beautiful beasts, the three of us.” Leave it to Ren to pull a 180 degree turn.

“Three?”

“The ship, Hux, don’t forget about her, she’s one of us,” he answered, grabbing one corner of Hux’s duvet and pulled it across his torso, relaxing into it.

Yes, how could he forget. They were all going to Hell in one way or another, but until then, they would continue to be beautiful beasts.

The solid heat next to him felt so soothing that he didn’t mind that the owner and producer of said heat had stolen half of his duvet, as Hux’s gaze followed the stars that wandered by outside the transparisteel.

A sudden thought struck him and he asked himself why he hadn’t thought about this sooner; maybe his fever-fried brain had other priorities at hand.

“Ren? Where are we heading?”

When he didn’t receive an answer, he turned towards Ren – only to find him fast asleep again. His head had lolled to the side and his lips were slightly parted.

Hux was inclined to revise his earlier conclusion about Ren not being handsome. Yes. He definitely had to. He was glad that no one was listening as Hux whispered soft words to the man next to him.

_Beautiful beast. Such a beautiful beast._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [uhm, hello](http://blood-and-pepper.tumblr.com/)


	5. confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Believe it or not: Hux has issues, too. Angsty stuff ahead!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cupcakes, please proceed with caution:
> 
> Triggers for mentioned self-harm and suicide. Again. Nothing graphic.
> 
> Epic thanks to my beta for making this chapter readable!

Tatooine’s second sun was setting, bathing the whole room in an orange hue. The breeze that got caught in the threadbare curtain whisked the last of the day’s oppressing heat away and he was finally able to ignore his itching, healing wounds. It was Hux’s favorite time of the day, despite the still too-high temperature and he leant back into the cushion, closed his eyes and savored the peaceful moment.

“I’ve got something for you.”

With that, a paper-wrapped package was dropped rather unceremoniously into his lap and Hux flailed into an upright position on his bed, glaring daggers at the intruder that effectively trashed his serenity. 

Right. There was no correlation between ‘Kylo Ren’ and ‘peaceful’.

“Good evening to you, too, Ren. My day had been fine, I did sleep well, thank you so much for asking,” he said, words dripping with sarcasm. Ren had been away since early morning, leaving him and the _Chimera_ behind in the ruins of the ancient settlement that served as their interim hideout.

Ren stood tall and imposing, gazing down at him with his trademark lopsided smile playing around his lips. He wore an admittedly ugly grey poncho over his tank top and his hair was fastened in a tiny ponytail high on his head, exposing his overlarge ears. Without the long flaps of this pleated tunic, his legs seemed to be…endless – for the lack of a better word. The leather gloves on his otherwise bared arms should’ve looked laughable, but Hux got distracted by the corded muscles that flexed beneath the pale skin. Ren’s laugh tore him from his thinly veiled ogling.

“Your reemerging snark is the best indicator that you must be feeling better.” If he had noticed Hux’s staring he ignored it without further ado. “Come on, open your present!”   

“Didn’t we have a debate about our limited resources the other day?”

“Hux. Stop arguing and open that damn parcel. It will make sense once you see what’s inside.”

With an annoyed grunt, Hux unfolded the paper and to his silent delight, a whole set of clothes made their appearance: Some simple shirts and pants made of rough, dark fabric, a linen tunic and a hooded cape woven from the same material, but in a lighter shade. What he immediately deemed his favorite, however, was soft emerald-green scarf, with a tassel at one of the sides. He inspected each item thoroughly and spread them out in before him. Hux hesitated when he came across a stack of briefs and socks: Never in his life had he imagined that Ren of all people would buy him undergarments. Yet here he was, eying the pieces suspiciously.

“I think they should fit. I had to guess, but we are about the same height and I’ve seen you naked enough to gauge your size. Same goes for the boots,” and with that he produced a worn pair out of thin air to let it drop next to the heap of clothes. “All in all, you are just half as wide as I am, so it was really not that hard.”

Hux almost choked on these words. “Would you do me a favor and _stop talking.”_

It was already awkward enough to deal with Ren seeing him bare constantly out of medical purposes, but hearing him chat about it so casually, made a migraine start to find its way to his temples.

“Come on, there’s nothing to be ashamed of, you are quite an attractive guy.”

“Quite,” Hux said, rubbing a hand over his forehead to shoo away his headache.

“Very.”

There was so much sincerity in this one, single word that it made him look up in surprise. Ren looked at him, eyes ashine like amber, but with a resolute undertone in them that didn’t allow objection, so Hux just put on his little half-smile and shook his head in defeat.

“Sometimes I wonder what you see in me.”

“Your best.”

Hux couldn’t help himself, he stared at him mouth agape, migraine forgotten: This was awfully close to sound like a love declaration.

Upon noticing the impact of his words, Ren began to back-paddle. “Well, whatever you look like, you can’t walk around in your makeshift robe…even though I have to admit that you’ve worn that thing as if it would be an imperial court gown. That’s quite some feat.”

“I don’t care much about the clothes, but believe me, I’m glad to become presentable again in the near future - If I could only get rid of this beard.” With that, he stroked over his scratchy chin, only to freeze in mid motion as he finally took in Ren’s soft and clean shaven face, as if would see him like that for the first time. How did he not notice before?

“Do we have some shaving utensils?!”

“Not really. The people here prefer a more…savage look, even the humanoids; I wasn’t able to acquire something,” Ren said with a shrug.

Hux’s irritation grew palpable. “Then how did you manage?”

Ren’s smile grew cocky, which Hux hated every second of.

“Remember my ‘oh-so-stupid plan earlier?” he asked.

“Ren, could you please be more specific: Which of your stupid plans are you referring to?”

“The one involving shaving and your high-end vibroblade.”

Hux was speechless for the second time within minutes, and his usual eloquence dissolved to nothing. “What?”

“I’m telling you that I shave with your knife. Why is that concept so outlandish to you?”

“You…are handling a blade that could possibly cut through your chin like a warm knife through butter, to shave off your stubble.”

“Exactly, and it’s working rather well. I know how to handle a blade.”

As if to show off his skills, he turned his smooth jaw in Hux’s direction: There wasn’t even the smallest cut on his pale skin. “I could easily shave your beard off, too, if you’d let me. Though I have to say that the beard kinda suits you.”

Hux’s first instinct was to decline vehemently, but a small and insistent voice in the back of his mind screamed _Do it!_ He was sure this voice was related to the vainest traits of his personality, but he gave in nonetheless, heaving a deflated sigh.

“All right. I want this itching thing gone as soon as possible.” 

It was obviously Ren’s turn to be stunned to silence as he processed Hux’s words. He became agitated the second the meaning sank in. “Okay, I’m going to fetch some stuff. Stay here, I’ll be back shortly,” and with that he stormed off in direction of their ship.

“Where the hell should I go to,” Hux murmured into his soon-to-disappear beard, but decided to at least sit up over the bedside.

Ren reemerged a few minutes later, carrying a bowl of water along with some utensils and started to set it up on the warped bench he dragged over from the adjourning room. When all was to his liking, he took his seat and started to lather up soap.

“Shaving cream would be nice, but this works just as well, believe me,” he said as he took Hux’s chin into his hand and began to spread the frothy concoction on his beard with gentle fingers. Hux was one step away from fully relaxing into the massage, when he heard the blade hiss to life: How could’ve he forgotten about the knife so fast: He was at Ren’s mercy, but whereas this thought may have installed terror and panic in him mere weeks before, it was now just a stated fact and nothing more. They’d come a long way from there.

_Do you trust me, Hux?_

Ren knew how to use the Force to communicate. Of course.

_Yes._

It was astonishing how readily this admission came and made room in Hux’s mind. Ren must’ve picked up on the vibe too, as he held his gaze and began to work the blade over Hux’s skin with steady hands, his small smile back on his lips.

_I should feel honored, right? You aren’t one to let others into your personal space easily – let alone near your throat. With a knife._

Hux tried his best to school his features into impassiveness, not moving a single muscle, but he projected the laugh to Ren.

_Indeed, Ren. But couldn’t be the same thing be said about you?_

Ren angled his face sideways to have better access to his outstretched throat and Hux was aware that the soft hold of Ren’s fingers affected him more than the dancing and scraping blade.

_The last time I allowed someone that close, it ended with him being pierced through with a lightsaber._

Ren’s gaze found Hux’s again, as if searching for signs of fear or insecurity, but upon finding none of these in his clear eyes, he continued his work.

Hux watched his face intently, taking note of all the micro expressions flitting over his features. Maybe now was time for some answers.

_You killed your father._

_So have you._

This time, Hux wasn’t able to reign in the smile that bloomed on his face and the blade at his jaw left a small nick, quickly leaving a thin trail of blood down his throat.

“Fuck. I’m sorry,” Ren said, pressing a torn piece of fabric to the wound hastily.

“Don’t worry, I’ve had worse. Carry on, please.”

Ren picked up the knife again as if nothing happened.

_You could’ve gone back to your family if it weren’t for this. You severed the bond that may have led you home again._

Ren didn’t stop this time and his hand wandered over Hux’s skin with precise movements.

_The boy they would’ve welcomed home with arms wide open is long gone and buried. It was just like back then when I was cutting myself: I thought killing Han Solo would let me grow, make me stronger. It brought me nowhere in the end, I only gained more scars. You killed your father out of different reasons, didn’t you._

Hux gently took hold of the hand holding the knife, brought it away from his face a few inches, then he projected the very picture, which had been haunting him for as long as he could remember: His mother dangling lifeless from the ceiling, eyes clouded and void of life.  

_Revenge. It was his fault._

He saw Ren taking in a steadying breath and pressed his eyes closed for a moment, before opening them again.

“I see,” he said aloud, his gaze trained on the knife still hovering above Hux’s cheek. “Hold still, I’m almost done.”

Cupping his already shaven side in his large palm, Ren carried on, readjusting the angle of Hux’s head here and there. The tip of his tongue pocked out from the corner of his mouth in concentration and Hux was now convinced that this had to be a tick of his – even if it was an adorable one.

The last rays of light were flooding the room, reddish-brown highlights began dancing over Ren’s hair and his normally pale skin was shimmering golden in the glow, erasing the shadows below his eyes for a moment and letting him appear way younger than he was. Maybe the boy Ren had spoken of looked a little bit like this: Vibrant, young and innocent. It didn’t matter in the end; Hux wouldn’t trade him against the man currently holding his face for anything in the whole galaxy. This sounded awfully like a love confession, too, and Hux silently chided himself for his sappiness.

“Finished. Congrats, you look like yourself again,” Ren said as he dabbed the remaining soapy foam away, deactivating the blade. “And thanks for trusting me.”

Hux mind stayed stuck in limbo. What if this child was still there? Maybe the small boy wasn’t dead after all, just lurking somewhere deep down in Ren’s psyche, waiting for a chance to be revived again. Maybe this child was Ren’s true self, his missing link to become whole again.

“Hux, are you even listening to me?”

Ren’s words didn’t register and he gasped like a fish out of water as a thought stuck him with piercing clarity: _Maybe he was holding Ren back._ His words were unnaturally loud in the silence of the dim room. “Maybe you could still return to them. There might still be a way for you to go home.”

Ren stared as him in confusion. “What _the fuck_ are you talking about?” 

Hux took a deep breath.

“I’m a very selfish person, Kylo Ren. I have this tendency to just take and take without giving anything in return. It just occurred to me, that I may be an obstacle in your way back to your family.”

Saying this hurt. It hurt more than he’d ever imagined anything would, but he would be damned if he wasn’t playing with open cards now.

Ren had risen from his seat and was looming above him, fists balled at his sides, tension almost visible all around him. Though his words contrasted starkly with his angry stance, Hux was shocked by their calmness.

“Remember; you said freedom was a horrible thing? In fact, it was to be the scariest thing I’ve ever encountered and I have seen _many_ horrors in the galaxy. I made the first, free decision _of my life_ , back in that shuttle. Come on Hux, since you’re so smart and cunning all the time: What was my first decision of free will? Tell me.”

Hux was at a loss for words. Staring up into Ren’s dark eyes, he just saw the hurt shining there with unshed tears. He didn’t notice that he was holding his breath and it felt as if he was waiting for an impact, for a direct hit that would tear him apart. For the tiniest second, he was back on his burning star destroyer, waiting for the inevitable crash.

“I choose you, you damn idiot. I asked you to be with me in whatever this is, wherever this leads, no matter how it will end. I still have to figure out, why you are so kriffing important, why everything always comes down to you, but my decision came naturally and I have no regrets. There is no going back, I can only go forwards. _We_ can only go forwards.”

Again, such a wonderful almost-confession, Hux thought to himself, despite the dire situation.

The sun had sunken below the horizon by now and the half-light of the beginning night engulfed them, casting violet shadows over them like a dark blanket.

Hux’s voice was small and wavering when he finally found the strength to answer.  

“No one has ever chosen me. No one. Ever.”

_Not my mother. Not my father._

“Well, how about letting me be the first one, then? You trusted me with a knife at your throat, why not with this? It isn’t all that much different.”

“These patterns are just so hard to break. I tried to break them, I honestly did, but in the end, I always found myself in the same spot again. I only have myself. That’s why I’m such a selfish idiot. That’s why there’s always the beast waiting for me the very moment I close my eyes. I…this…”

A finger pressed to Hux’s lips, let his rambling come to a stop.

“Shhh. Stop it, Hux. Please.” Ren’s voice was barely above a whisper.

His eyes burned with tears that waited to flow free, but he swallowed them down out of spite, even if he choked. They tasted bitter, just like everything having been repressed for way too long: Unshed tears are indeed a poison that dissolves one from within.

The mattress dipped as Ren crouched behind him, his body a solid wall to lean against, radiating comfort and warmth. It wasn’t a conscious decision when Hux let himself sag back and strong arms circled around him in silent welcome.

“No more monsters. I’ll repeat it until you will believe it: I choose you. We are in this together.”

Spite alone wasn’t able to hold back the tears that started to flow down Hux’s cheeks out of their own accord.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [uhm, hello](http://blood-and-pepper.tumblr.com/)


	6. you were made for it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sexy times ahead, cupcakes!

Waking up in Ren’s arms felt nice.

Very nice.

Hux wasn’t one to savor staying in after an intimate encounter, and a steady relationship providing such closeness was something he’d never bothered himself with so far. So lying next to a warm body, all relaxed and cozy was a novelty. He wasn’t even able to muster the bare minimum of embarrassment for his mental breakdown the evening before – quite the contrary: It was as if a burden had been lifted off his shoulders. The beast that normally would’ve spit accusations at him was silent and mute, as if it had lost all of its heads entirely.

Ren’s breath was hot at the base of his neck and his fingers spread over Hux’s belly possessively, drawing him in closer and he let himself be pulled back, melting against the other’s broad chest.

Only then did he notice the hard outlines of an erection pressing up against his hip: Ren had quite obviously a severe case of morning wood.

This was the unconscious and perfectly normal bodily reaction of a healthy human male and Hux was well aware that it had possibly nothing to do with him, yet he indulged in the thought of Ren being aroused _because_ of him, that it was _him_ that made his cock fill out so nicely - and Ren seemed to be rather…well-endowed, to phrase it politely. Thoughts like this let excitement crawl over his skin and he felt his own cock twitch in response, as his blood began to course through his veins hot and rushing, alerting his senses to register every small caress, every lingering touch.

Ren must’ve developed a way to notice the change in mood even while fast asleep, because he slowly began to wake, mumbling incoherently onto Hux’s neck, letting goose-bumps rise over the other’s skin involuntarily and Hux shivered in arousal.

Blinking bleary eyes open, Ren shifted – and froze in mid-motion, when the obvious intimacy of the position slowly sank in. He bolted up to sort out his surroundings, but the situation only worsened the moment he noticed his body’s condition.

“Fuck, I’m sorry, Hux, I’m sorry…,” he stammered and Hux watched Ren’s eyes widen with rising panic. Before Hux had any chance to utter a single word, he stumbled out of bed, pants still tented by a very insistent erection, and just stood there for a moment, completely at a loss. It was the second time that Hux witnessed Ren going from sleep right into battle mode, but whereas he was ready to attack the last time, he clearly was in defense now.

Unable to meet Hux’s gaze and with another hag-ridden “Sorry” thrown in Hux’s direction, he turned on his heel to flee as fast as his feet carried him.

Hux just sat in his ransacked bed and wasn’t sure whether to laugh or to cry, he felt like doing both, so in the end he did neither.

“Idiot,” he whispered into the empty room.

Ren was a warrior through and through, ready to charge at any obstacle crossing his path, but he fled because of an awkward boner? Incredible. He reacted like a blushing virgin.

_Wait._

Now it was Hux’s turn to stop in motion, as his petty thought hit home with a ring truer than expected: Ren being a virgin would explain _a lot_ : His impulse to retreat whenever a situation got too suggestive, his blushing, when confronted with an intimacy, his uncharacteristic muteness instead of voicing his own desires. His usual inaptness to talk about something bothering him only made things worse and led to fucked up scenes like the one that happened mere moments ago.

Hux sighed in frustration.

He was dealing with a sexually frustrated virgin in its late twenties. This time, Hux wasn’t able to suppress the laugh that bubbled up in his throat.

 _Wonderful_.  

Another point for his imaginary list of ‘The never ending miracles concerning Kylo Ren’.

Eyeing his own still very prominent hard-on, he pondered his options. Taking a sonic was ruled out due to the fact that Ren most likely already used it to whack off. Tip-toeing to his quarters on the _Chimera_ meant to pass said showering facilities – and Hux didn’t know if he was ready to hear Ren’s barely stifled moans through the thin durasteel door. On the other hand: he had his nicely placed recovery lounge right here in this abandoned building with its wonderful view over the plateau – nothing spoke against leaning back and enjoying himself here.

Hux sank back into the bed, closing his eyes for a moment. If Ren’s reaction wouldn’t have been so crass, things could’ve developed differently, and he wasn’t sure if he would’ve welcomed them. Sure, he desired Ren – have done for quite some time - yet he doubted that sleeping with him would change their already strange relationship for the better, especially if his guessing proved to be correct and the other was indeed untouched. It would most likely create immeasurable complications, though it didn’t change the fact that a large portion of his baser instincts were left deeply disappointed and masturbation would only postpone his hunger for fulfilment.

Whatever. Right now, he had more pressing matters at hand. Matters he needed to take _into_ his hand, if the throbbing of his cock was any indication for it.

He slid out of his blanket and let the warm morning breeze wash over his exposed body, as his hand roamed over his skin from sternum to hip. Normally, he would conjure up random sexual fantasies to fuel his desire, but it was admittedly quite hard to ban Ren from his thoughts. Gripping the base of his cock, he enjoyed its heavy weight for a moment, and then started to stroke up and down lightly, just working the foreskin over his shaft.

No. Ordinary, conjured-up images wouldn’t do this time; he was in need for something more impressive. He decided to summon the one, magnificent night he’d experienced so many years ago, when he’d freshly graduated and ran into this couple on shore leave. Just thinking about the two men made Hux’s cock pulse in his grip. He was far from being a newbie to sex with men when they picked him out of the crowd, made their advances clear, and Hux was more than inclined to take a chance on this adventure. They dragged him into the dim restroom of the club, barricaded the door and did things to him he’d never encountered in any of his trysts back at academy.

Hux didn’t care much about the concepts of ‘top’ or ‘bottom’, both were fine for him in equal measures and he didn’t prefer one over the other – but on that night, he’d submitted to them so completely like never before and never after that.

Exhaling a shuddering sigh, the grip on his cock grew harder, his hand moving up and down going bolder as he pinched a nipple with his other, savoring the sharp stab that went straight to his loins.

Back then they’d licked and fingered him open until he was all but a moaning mess leaning against the counter, watching his pleasure distorted face in the smudged mirror, barely recognizing himself. The younger of the two whispered lewd encouragements, while spreading his ass cheeks wide for the other, telling Hux that he was doing fine, that he was going to be their bitch tonight and Hux loved every second of it.

He lifted his hips and his hand sneaked below to caress his hole. Going in dry would hurt, but he was beyond caring by now, so he just whimpered as he forced his finger to breach the tight muscle, bit by bit.

When they finally deemed him ready and started to fuck him, they had him on both ends like in a well-practiced choreography, never faltering in either rhythm or step. Hux was blissfully helpless as he was crawled on the dirty ground on all fours, listening to their mingled moans and grunts, unable to do the same given the fact, that a fat cock blocked his airway most of the time. He must have been quite a sight.

Hux imagined himself as a feast laid out for them to dine on: Both orifices stretched and open for them to use as they pleased. They had their way with him, and he opened up for them, offered them everything he had and they took and took and _took_.

Withering on the bed, his breath quickened and he was no longer able to reign in the moans spilling from his lips. The finger breaching him had wormed its way to his prostate and pressed against it in needy pushes, forcing pulses of electric pleasure up his spine, while his other hand was a blur over his hard cock. He could already feel his balls drawing up and it should’ve been embarrassing how fast his peak was approaching – he just won’t be able to last long like this.  

In the end they had him against the counter, one after the other, even if he had already come and was shaking in sensory overload. Again, it was the younger that took hold of a tuft of his hair, wiped away a stray drop of semen from the corner of Hux’s mouth and then bent his head backwards; all the while his partner never ceased ploughing into Hux as he hunted for his own climax. _You’re a special one,_ the younger said, _so needy, so willing, look how easy you can take a cock. You’re made for it, aren’t you?_ Trailing his hand down the exposed curve of his spine, he let it wander until it met Hux’s glistening, distended rim, still being taken by the other. The man stopped his thrusting by some silent command, waiting for the digit to find his way alongside his cock.

Hux remembered the stretch, how he wanted to scream, but his cry was soundless; he just saw his mouth hanging open in the face that stared at him in the mirror. Maybe this guy was right about him being made for this: He surrendered, as pain turned to pleasure once more and a second orgasm whacked his tired body.

He was no longer able to separate reality from memory, all fused together in a kaleidoscope of raw desire and his body’s tell-tale tremors that indicated his approaching climax.

But in his mind, the pictures unnoticeably shifted to something else: the faces he was only dimly able to recall changed their form and reassembled – and suddenly it was Ren that fucked him from behind, hard and unforgiving, it was Ren talking obscenities into the skin of his neck, fingering his slippery hole in tandem, and it was Ren’s face that appeared beside his in the fogged surface of the mirror to watch him orgasm with eyes like the sharp edges of obsidian.

Hux came just as open-mouthed, with the same silent scream on his lips, as his body shuddered through ecstasy.

His breath didn’t even out for several minutes and he refused to open his eyes, clinging desperately to the last remnants of his deformed memory, clawing at the very picture of Ren’s face and the phantom pain of his cock pushing deep into him, spreading his seed there.

With a sigh, he laid himself out boneless upon the sheets, let the still cool morning breeze dry the sweat off of his flushed skin.

He had come all over his chest and his hole burned with a constant, dull throb. He might have overdone it this time, but a rather satisfied voice from within told him _you did fine; you were made for this_ over and over again. Strangely enough, the voice had Ren’s deep timbre. He thought it would be nice if Ren’s semen were to leak out of him slowly, just like it did back in the run-down restroom, but the thought stayed wishful thinking and suddenly Hux felt strangely empty.

Picking up his discarded blanked, Hux wiped himself clean as best as he could and rose on his elbows to watch the first sun rise above the horizon.

It wasn’t the first time he’d masturbated with Ren on his mind, but never before had it been this intensely real and all-consuming, and Hux wondered where this all would lead to. It certainly wasn’t healthy, that was for sure.

With a sigh, he rose and stood in the gleaming light of the golden sun. Whatever it was he would have to face, he would make it through it.

He smiled as Ren’s voice reverberated through the marrow of his bones in the mind-voice of his.

_You were made for it._

Maybe he was, and his sated cock twitched as in confirmation. Maybe these words were more than just the sexual praise, since it could also be applied for his weird not-at-all-relationship with the other, but he could never be sure. They both would have to sort this out somehow, and Hux was positive that he would have to do most of the work.

 But Ren was worth giving it a try.

 

***

Hux looked up over the brim of his cup of caf when Ren entered the small kitchenette of the _Chimera,_ avoiding his gaze, but taking the seat opposite of him nonetheless. He had foregone the tiny ponytail from the day before, and his curls framed his long face, falling over his eyes, obscuring them. The lines of his jaw were set. The tension spread from there, down his throat and over to his shoulders. Ren started fidgeting with the empty mug in front of him and the awkward silence grew almost unbearable with each passing second. Hux could almost see the words that wanted to form at the tip of Ren’s tongue – only to be swallowed down again as he fought for an approach. 

In the end, Hux took pity on him.

He reached out his left hand to still the movements of Ren’s fingers by covering them gently. With his right, he took the pot of caf and poured until the black liquid reached the brim. The smell of it filled the small room and the whole scene could’ve been awfully domestic, if it weren’t for the still palpable strain in the atmosphere around them. Ren wasn’t able to tear his gaze away from the hand still touching his.

Hux voice was soft and even and he shook his head in silent disbelief. “You are the most magnificent oaf I’ve ever encountered.”

Ren visibly deflated, the tension slowly seeping out of his posture.

“I’m sorry.”

“How many times do you plan on repeating this, Ren? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you did nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing.”

“But I didn’t want to corner you like that! It wasn’t my intention…”

“Yes, exactly: It wasn’t your intention. Well, I admit, it was quite an awkward situation, but you didn’t force me into anything. I was, in fact, quite enjoying your company beforehand.”

Finally, Ren lifted his gaze and searched Hux’s eyes for validation that these words were as true as they sounded. A small smile found its way to his lips when he found his answer somewhere deep within. His eyes wandered back to his cup and the smile widened to a smirk.

“We are holding hands, aren’t we?”

“Technically speaking, I’m holding your hand, holding a cup of lousy caf, but yes, it could qualify as ‘holding hands’ upon a wider definition, but you...”

Hux originally had planned on adding more, but everything he wanted to say was blown away the moment Ren leant over the table separating them, took hold of his jaw and kissed him, full and deep.

Maybe he wouldn’t have to do all the work, after all, Hux thought as he kissed back after a moment of utter shock, with a hunger he didn’t know he possessed.

Ren was lacking anything a good kissing technique was made of, but the insistent voice from within told him in a sweet singsong _teach him, teach him, teach him,_ so he grabbed the side of his head to optimize the angle and slowed down the pace to a languid dance of lips and tongue. Their position over the small coffee table was beyond weird, but it seemed to be an unwritten rule of nature that no matter what they did, it had to have a certain level of pure awkwardness or drama. Or both. Hux felt the corners of his mouth move up out of their own accord and Ren took it as a sign to break the kiss.

“Don’t laugh; I’m slowly getting the hang of it.” Ren’s voice was breathless, but its timbre deep and engulfing.

Carding his hand into Ren’s hair, he pulled him closer again, relishing the little gasp that escaped the other involuntarily. 

“Don’t flatter yourself, Ren, you’re a bloody amateur,” he spoke against his open mouth, diving in for another kiss.

Yes, he definitely was made for this, whatever _this_ was, as he didn’t dare to name it yet.

He still wasn’t sure where it would lead him – would lead _them_ \- but right now, he couldn’t care less.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [uhm, hello](http://blood-and-pepper.tumblr.com/)


	7. summoning ghosts

„It’s an LT-unit, Hux. Of the 4-series, or the 5, it’s hard to tell, their differences are minimal.”

“It’s a piece of junk. Even the jawa had no use for it – and that alone speaks volumes, Ren. You are wasting time, and more important: our fucking credits on this lump of wires and rusty plates.”

“My guess is that’s a 4. Just wait until I’ve got the accelerator running!”

Sitting on the edge of the loading ramp of the _Chimera_ , Hux crossed his legs and folded his hands upon his knees, watching Ren fuss with the meagre remains of the droid. “Not one single word of mine did register in that brain of yours, right? Sometimes you are the prime example of ‘selective perception’.”

“I heard you perfectly fine, General, I just refuse to let you spoil my fun with your petty remarks,” Ren said, as he continued to repair the hardware of the droid lying in the shadow right before him.

“Petty?! Are you serious? Ren, even if you manage by some Kriff-sent miracle to get this trash to work again: It’s an outdated imperial maintenance droid. Of what use is it to us? Do you plan on hiring it as a mechanic?”

Ren didn’t look up, but Hux was sure that he was able to feel the heartfelt sneer thrown in his direction.

“No, that’s your job.”

Hux was choking on thin air by now. “I beg your pardon?! How am I the mechanic here?”

“Oh, come on, Hux, now’s your time to idle in selective perception? Wasn’t it you, who designed the most powerful weapon in the whole, wide galaxy?”

Something akin to pride swelled in Hux’s chest only to turn bitter with regret and loss, and for all of his brutishness, Ren picked up on his mood again, turned around and shot him a worried gaze.

Gulping down all the resentments, Hux jumped off the ramp to crouch down next to Ren and his ill-fated project.

“Yes, but there’s a fine, yet definite line between an architect, an engineer and a mechanic. I’m more the first or, with some deductions, the second.” Nonetheless, he picked up one of the calibration tools and started to screw the main display into the crooked frame with steady hands. “But if it makes you happy, I can give it a try,” he said as he started to configure the settings, the off-tune beeps a strange melody in the silence of the desert plateau.

Ren stared at him in silent awe until he visibly shook himself. “Yes. It…kinda would make me happy.”

A nasty, yet strangely loveable smile appeared on Hux’s lips. “But: Never forget that I’m the General.”

Ren fake-saluted instantly. “Yes, Sir, of course, Sir!”

Hux’s tiny laugh was reward enough.

“Okay, Ren, tell me: How did you come up with all this knowledge about droids? These skills are so very un-knightly; don’t get me wrong, I just highly doubt that Snoke would’ve sent you away to take a do-it-yourself-course.”

Whatever it was he’d expected as an answer, it certainly wasn’t Ren dropping his tool and looking into the mid-distance with a gaze so vast and lost, it made Hux’ stomach cramp in pain. Again, Hux wondered how the mood was able to shift so sudden and utterly. Lifting his hand to brush over Ren’s forearm, his words were a soft murmur, “You don’t have to tell me if it upsets you, Ren. I didn’t want to summon ghosts. It’s not that important.”

Turning his head slowly as if some gravity was trying to pull him back, Ren met his gaze. Bit by bit vibrancy and spirit returned into his dark eyes.

“Summon ghosts…that’s exactly what it is,” he said as he picked up his tool again and continued on his task as if nothing had happened. “He’s a ghost, nothing more.”

Hux repressed the urge to ask further questions, gulped them all down, fearful to evoke another unpleasant memory. They worked in silence for a while, and just when Hux was convinced that they’d steered back to calmer waters, Ren spoke up again, never ceasing the movement of his fingers.

“My uncle taught me back then; gave me something to occupy my hands with, and even more so: to occupy mind. He thought it would help me channeling my powers.”

“You…you are talking about Luke Skywalker, aren’t you?” Hux asked baffled how this topic had never occurred between them until right now: The very man who was the source and reason for this epic mess.

Ren just nodded. “He was the only one who never looked down at me with fear in his eyes – well, maybe aside from you. You’re the only other exception.” His deep laugh startled Hux a bit. “But that’s pretty much all the two of you have in common, honestly.” He cocked his head to the side and mustered Hux with a smile still playing on his lips. “Nothing compares to you.”

Hux sat there and waited for the joking sub-clause that never came. In the end he deadpanned to hide his flattered embarrassment. “Not even the mighty Luke Skywalker.”

“Especially not him. For all of his fearlessness and his caring, he never stopped wanting to change me, always tried to mold me into something I was not - and could never be. You hated my guts from the moment you met me, but despite all the animosity…you didn’t fear me and respected me for what I am. This is up to present day one of the biggest miracles in my life.”

Suddenly, Hux entertained the thought that maybe Ren had the same, ominous mental list in his head as he did, only with a different label: ‘The never ending miracles concerning Armitage Hux’. The thought alone let a giddy excitement bloom in his guts he hadn’t experienced in ages. He felt like a stupid teenager – and enjoyed it more than he would ever admit to one living soul.

Below Ren’s hands, parts of the relay hummed back to life. “Back then I wasn’t so lucky. I tried to bend and please, but in the end everything ended up worse than before. It was like one step forward, two steps back. At the time I first began cutting myself: that at least brought me relief for a short period of time - but it didn’t stop things from escalating further. When Master Snoke noticed my pain and promised me absolution, I no longer had any reason to play along and all my pent up anger just…released. In that moment Luke Skywalker became a ghost.”

Hux couldn’t help himself; he stared at Ren, mouth agape, because suddenly it began to make sense. “That’s why they call you the Jedi-killer.”

Ren’s eyes shone with something unfathomable, and Hux regretted his remark the moment it left his lips. Ren was baring his soul in front of him, and all he did was jumping to conclusions, but strangely enough, the other didn’t seem to be phased by it.  

“Kylo Ren was born that day,” he said in an even voice, but all what Hux could think about was the unfortunate child Ren once was.

_Maybe the little boy survived somewhere deep inside?_

Hux was able to feel the rising electricity in the air as Ren’s mood changed once again, and he wondered if his Force powers bled to him on a subconscious level somehow. He braced himself for what was about to come.

_“Ben Solo is dead!”_

Ren’s voice was shaking with barely restrained anger, as he charged at Hux and grabbed him by the shoulders, leaning in right into his personal space with teeth bared like a snarling beast.

Ah, there it was: Ren’s other side. The uncontrolled one, the one that burned and slaughtered without remorse. This side was _Kylo Ren_ so completely and all-consuming, it let no room for anything else, least the innocent child he once was and detested so much.

Hux was aware that he should feel fear, but it was exactly like Ren had pointed out earlier: He wasn’t frightened the slightest – and he never had a clue why it was like that. Every instinct should scream at him to either fight or flight, yet all he did was hold Ren’s gaze as he slowly raised a hand to let it rest softly against the side of the other’s neck. Ren’s pulse was hammering in a sharp staccato rhythm directly under his skin and Hux graced his thumb over the pulse point in small circles.

Ben Solo was gone, yet Hux wanted this side of Ren to be gone, too, wanted Kylo Ren to be turned into _his_ Ren again: The one who blushed so easily, wasted time and energy on junky droids and was so surprisingly gentle if he wanted to. To Hux, Ren had become a third entity, a new self just for him – as selfish that may sound. All he had to do was ban the past.

“Yes, Ben Solo is a ghost,” he spoke into the small space between them, watching Ren closely.

He saw yellow-golden flecks spiraling in his eyes, leaching out the warm maroon, but they flickered out like the flame of a candle in a sudden breeze from one moment to the next. The iron grip on his shoulders ceased gradually, and Ren let his hands run down Hux’s upper arms in silent apology, as his anger vanished, slowly to be replaced by regret.

Hux exhaled a shaky sigh.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry _again_. I’ve hurt you, I just got so angry, I didn’t…” Ren wasn’t able to finish the sentence, but his trembling fingers lightly traced the red marks that had already begun to form on Hux’s skin.

“We’ve hurt each other,” Hux said, still holding onto Ren’s neck. “I didn’t mean to put ghosts above you, I’m sorry. I should’ve known that I was walking on thin ice. But, believe it or not: You are the same miracle to me as I am to you. We are bound to cross each other’s boundaries again, so, let step one in your anger management be: Fucking _talk to me_ when something is wrong. Chances are high that I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“No one ever listened to what I’d had to say, no one ever asked how I felt,” he answered in a small voice, and Hux had a hard time not thinking about the child he one was. Instead he focused on the steady thump of Ren’s pulse below the tips of his fingers.

“I do.” Hux hoped that Ren was able to pick up the sincerity in his words.

 _I do,_ he repeated into the mind space between them, and Ren’s heavy sigh and nod would have been confirmation enough, yet he choked out a pained “Okay.”

Hux could practically feel the words pressing into the forefront of his mind, coming from deep within: Those horrible words of _I love you,_ and they scared the living shit out of him, so he tampered them down as fast as they appeared. No. No way was he anywhere _near_ ready for that.

He let his hand trail from Ren’s neck down to a hesitant halt over his heart: It still beat harder than normal, but it had lost its frantic frequency.

“You are _you_ again,” Hux whispered more to the beating muscle than to the person owning it.

“What?”

“No more summoning ghosts, but have you ever considered that with Snoke’s death, Kylo Ren had come to an end, too? To me, it feels like you’ve became a new person again. And this person is more _you_ than your former two’s could have ever been.”

Ren’s eyes wandered aimlessly as he processed the idea and mulled over it in his mind, all the while gnawing at his lower lip. In the end, he took Hux’s hand in his palms, caressing his digits with soft little strokes without saying a word for quite some time. They sat in comfortable silence, enjoying the subtle intimacy of the situation. Hux was well aware that this quiet scene was the counterpoint to Ren’s berserker mode mere minutes ago, but he resigned himself to having to deal with his frequent mood swings as being part of Ren’s very nature.

“We are holding hands again, aren’t we,” Hux spoke into the amiable silence surrounding them.

“Well, _actually_ , I’m cradling your hand in both of mine, but it would fit the description upon a wider definition,” Ren said, parroting Hux’s words from the day before.

“Idiot.”

“No, no, that’s a stupid name. I would like you to name me differently. My parents named me the first time. I chose my own the second time. This time, I want _you_ to name me.”

Hux just stared at him in open amazement: He’d expected a lot of answers to his pondering, but again, Ren proved to be so shockingly unpredictable.

His words were half-choked, when he finally croaked out a “Why?”

“I…” Ren stopped himself after one word, and the rest of the sentence fluttered in the space between them like the wings of a small bird.

He cocked his head to one side, watching Hux with an amused smile dancing around his lips. “You really have no idea, do you?”

Hux just continued to stare at him in confusion, though he did somehow notice the importance of the question. It didn’t alter the fact that he had no clue what Ren was wanting to hear from him.

Ren chuckled and shook his head with a defeated sigh. “It’s okay, Hux, please don’t wreck that pretty head of yours. Let’s say that I just want you to. Besides, there’s no one else around to christen me with one. Maybe the droid the moment I’ll get it working again, but until then, you’re fair game.”

With that, he let go of Hux’s hand, picked up the calibration tool again and started to mess with the machinery next to them.

Hux felt like he just missed something important, made some grave mistake, but wasn’t able to pinpoint the very moment he went astray, and _that_ frustrated him a lot.

“’Ren’ is you title, isn’t it?” he asked, still unsure how to proceed after his obvious mishap. Ren didn’t look up when he answered “Yes, it is. Or more precisely: It was.”

“Kylo is your first name then. Or is it just some kind of prefix to your title?”

“No, it’s my fist name.”

“I…I can’t come up with something creative and new. So, is it okay to call you like that for now? I’ll figure something out eventually, I promise.”

This time, Ren did look up to let his eyes wander over Hux’s sitting form. He smiled again in the end.

“That would be nice.”

“Okay. Kylo,” Hux said and made a face as if he tasted some foreign dish for the first time. “It has a strange ring to it and I definitely have to get used to it.”

“It’s not the first time you’ve called me that, you how.”

Hux head snapped up in irritation. “When have I _ever_ referred to you other than your title?”

Ren took his time adjusting a very crooked covering plate before he deigned to answer. “Back when you were hallucinating with high fever. You looked at me as if you were seeing right through me until I picked you up to carry you to the _Chimera_. It may sound strange, but it was like you suddenly remembered my name. And it wasn’t your usual ‘Ren’: You called me Kylo as if you were seeing me for the first time, yet knowing my soul from the inside out at the same time. The Force spoke through you, I’m sure of that.”

If anything, that answer made Hux’s irritation grow tenfold. “The Force? Never in my life have I ever encountered something like that. That’s _your_ métier. I’m not made for this.”

Ren huffed in annoyance. “Maybe. But the Force flows through your very being as much as it is connected with anything else in the galaxy. You don’t stand by the side-line of it, being a mere spectator: You’re part of it even if you deny it with everything you’ve got.”

And as if to underline his words, Hux felt a shiver run down his spine just before his abandoned tool came floating at him in a low parabola. He fished it out of the air with a quick snatch and shot Ren a warning glare, but picked up the work right where he’d dropped off earlier.

“Sometimes, you really grate on my nerves,” he said, and with some small pause, he added “Kylo.” This time it was Hux who didn’t look up and continued his focused screwing when Ren’s deep laugh resonated across the plateau of the desert. He felt Ren’s smile at the back of his neck though, leaving a kiss there that lingered for hours.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [uhm, hello](http://blood-and-pepper.tumblr.com/)


	8. sanctuary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sexy times ahead, but brace yourself for some impending drama.

Hux woke with a start, shivering all over.

The air was laden with the special sort of crackling electricity he came to associate with the Force, but its intensity unsettled him deeply. His tank top clung to his skin uncomfortably as he threw back the linen cover and came to his feet in an ungraceful stagger. The suffocating density only grew further with every step he took; feeling the need to pause a moment to collect himself. His head was spinning, and finding the way to the hallway was a hard task he only accomplished through iron will. Dragging his bare feet along the worn durasteel plates, his hand finally made contact with the door leading to the adjourning quarters. 

“Ren?” Hux heard his own voice as if through a thick layer of cotton batting. He stumbled into Ren’s bedroom, and had to hold onto the doorframe for a moment as his body trembled in the thick energy that came flooding over him like a tidal wave.

His voice was at the edge of panic the moment he was finally able to draw in a deep breath.

“KYLO?!”

He still wasn’t able to see more than mere schemes contrasting in the dark, but a thin trail seemed to lead him to his destination and he followed that track without the shadow of doubt.

In the end he felt Ren’s body heat under his fingertips, and when he made contact with his skin the world grew solid again. He held onto him as if he was his life line, slowly reclining on the bed next to the overheated form, molding himself against the shaking body.

He wasn’t even surprised when he heard a voice like a distant echo reverberating in his mind: A gentle call of _come home, Ben, why don’t you come home, you’re free now, I miss you so much_ and he clawed his hands into the other’s flesh, because everything about these soft words felt so horribly wrong.

His own voice was nothing but a shivering breath against Ren’s skin, murmuring urgent don’ts, please don’ts, yet Hux seemed to be able reach out to him nonetheless as Ren slowly stirred in his embrace; the oppressive atmosphere gradually receded to a bearable level.

Ren drew in a shaky breath, and with the exhale a torn “Hux?” left his throat.

“I’m here, everything is alright. You had a nightmare,” Hux said soothingly, and the other turned in his arms to rest his head in the crook between neck and shoulder, snaking his arm across Hux’s torso to pull him in closer. Ren’s words ghosted over his skin as he whispered, “That wasn’t a dream. She searched for me through the Force.”

A shiver whacked through him, and Hux combed a hand through his sweat-matted hair in an attempt to calm him. There was no question who Ren was talking about, and Hux cursed inwardly how General Organa was still able to be his nemesis even though he’d lost rank, ship and cause.

“She’d always tried to reach out to me, but never before had it been so strong, so clear.” Ren was outright nuzzling his face to Hux’s neck as if to hide from the world in the bends of his skin, and Hux granted him that sanctuary. “Snoke shielded me from her,” he continued. “But now I’m on my own.”

Hux felt the pang of the last sentence like a knife to the gut, and he tightened his hold on Ren. He wanted to rant and shout that _he_ would protect and shield him from now on – but he knew he just _couldn’t,_ so his words died on his tongue, leaving a sour taste in their wake.

Strangely enough, Ren seemed to understand him once more without any sound uttered aloud. “I heard you calling my name. I know you don’t have much faith in the Force, but by now we’re both as deeply connected as I’m with her,” he said as he slowly seemed to calm down a bit. “You can’t battle her directly, though you can always reach out for me. That’ll help a lot.” 

Hux had the indistinctive feeling that this wasn’t the whole truth, that there was more to that strange connection than Ren was willing to admit. He kept something vital from him and that unnerved Hux to no end. Nonetheless, pressing that topic now would amount to nothing given the shaken state Ren was in, so Hux resigned himself to sooth him as best as he could. He would get his answers later.

Ren was a solid weight, still clinging to his body in unspoken urgency, and Hux found himself at a loss at how to comfort another person: He’d mastered the most complicated strategist’s challenges, but didn’t really know _how_ to proceed with the disturbed and troubled person in his arms, so he compromised with just holding the other close, hoping his own heartbeat would calm Ren down.

Running his hand through Ren’s hair was such a nice sensation, and the thought hit him how much he actually liked it: The strands were soft and full, and he took his time untangling the knots that had formed. Ren sighed in content and angled his head to give better access as Hux’s fingertips caressed his scalp and tugged at the tufts flowing through his fingers. Hux had to smile: He may have found a surprisingly easy way to tame the beast that was Kylo Ren, as he slowly melted into a boneless heap in his embrace.

Time stretched on, but neither of them cared as the first rays of light began to ban the grey half-night around them.

What Hux didn’t expect was the warm hand ghosting over his neck in shy, circling moves, trailing its way down over the arch of his collarbone to come to a rest in the dip at the beginning of his sternum.

“You’ve got the fine bones of a bird,” Ren whispered, seemingly lost in thought. “Graceful and delicate. Your shoulder blades can sprout wings, can’t they?”

What in the whole wide galaxy was Ren talking about? Then, a thought struck Hux with a sudden clarity.

“Are…are you trying to flirt?”

The following silence spoke volumes and Hux couldn’t help himself, he had to laugh out loud and Ren stirred in indignation in his arms.

“I’m _trying_ , you jerk.”

“Then try _harder_.”

“Why is it so fucking hard to tell you something nice, without you being a giant asshole about it? You are beautiful to me, okay?!”

The outburst silenced whatever it was that Hux had intended to say, as the pure and undulated sincerity of Ren’s words shocked him to the core.

He held still when Ren’s fingers picked up their soft roaming, finding their way back up over his neck to describe a circle over the tip of his ear to finally cup the side of his face in a loose hold, as Ren pulled himself up to rest on an elbow, looking down at Hux with that soulful eyes of his, a small frown still etched in his features.

“What do I have to do to make you believe me that you are? I’ve tried to convince you over and over again, yet you’ve always brushed it off so casually. You are _beautiful_ , Hux, you just _are_.”

And for the first time in his life, Hux was inclined to believe these words as they seemed to hit home so true and honest. His hand found its way back into the dark locks and he only had to meet Ren half-way as the other descended on him, too, both searching for a kiss in equal measures.

There was nothing tentative or teaching about the nature of the kiss: This time it was fueled by hunger and desire, and they welcomed it with arms wide open as they both fell into each other like two puzzle pieces finally being set up to match.

In the end, Hux found himself on top of Ren’s outstretched body, breathing heavily against the other’s parted lips, as broad hands wandered up and down his back possessively. Hux enjoyed being held so tightly and it occurred to him that Ren was offering him the same sanctuary as he did before. Whatever it was that started developing between them, right now it reached new dimensions and for a moment Hux was at a loss as to what to do next, frightful he might destroy what had transpired between them.

It was Ren who made the decision for him as he arched his back and pressed his body up against him, exhaling a shaky moan: Only then did Hux register how aroused the other seemed to be, and how desperately he needed him. They didn’t do much aside from some admittedly intense kissing and groping, yet Ren was beyond excited and – again – the insistent nudge of his engorged cock against his hipbone should’ve been indication enough. 

“Shhh, it’s okay,” Hux mumbled against his mouth, “I’ve got you. I’ll take care of you. You’re doing just fine, Kylo.” And with that he joined the slow rolling of Ren’s hips, dancing along in a sensual rhythm, all the while never ceasing his whispered encouragements.

It should’ve surprised him how easily Ren succumbed to him, yet it all came naturally and well-measured, so Hux saw no reason to slow down. He held onto a tuft of hair, pulling Ren’s head to the side in order to get access to his ear. Licking around the shell with the tip of his tongue, he felt him shiver and drawing in a sharp breath.

“I like the way your body feels under me,” Hux said in a huff, speaking directly into the oversensitive ear, nibbling at its lobe to highlight his words. “I can feel your cock pressing up against me.” This time, he kissed up Ren’s exposed throat, as he pulled his head back further to expose more of the stretching skin for him to savor. He watched Ren’s eyes closely as he said his next words. “You’ve got a nice, _thick_ cock down there, haven’t you?”

Ren’s pupils were pitch-black by now, and all he could muster for an answer was a choked whine and a quick buck upwards against Hux’s own, full erection.

“Tsk, that isn’t an answer, Kylo. Try again.” Maybe he was unreasonably cruel, but seeing Ren writhe in unrestrained passion was a sight to behold. Hux was pleasantly surprised when the other grabbed the half-globes of his ass and pressed them down against his shaking form, creating delicious friction.

 _Aaah._ Nice _. Two can play this game._

Ren’s voice was hoarse when he finally spoke up, a wicked smile gracing his face. “I do, Sir.”

Hux hadn’t expected that the small, added title would go straight to his cock, yet he felt himself pulse involuntary against the other.

“Good boy,” he said to overplay his own lapse, and was silently delighted when Ren preened under his praise, so he decided to play that card a bit more. “Such a good boy for me,” he repeated as he sat up and straddled his hips, grabbing the hem of Ren’s shirt in his hand and shoved it upwards, exposing delicious rows of rippling muscles beneath. “Let me see you. All of you.” His own voice had become dark and sultry by now, and hiding his arousal was beyond useless, so he ditched that act.

The piece of clothing was gone in an instant and Ren laid spread out under him, his hair an unruly mess with strands of it clinging to his sweaty face, his eyes like a burning inferno. Hux had always been perfectly aware that Ren was well-built – yet seeing his strong frame exposed in the half-light for him to appreciate was a completely different matter: He looked heaven-sent, for the lack of a better word. Their conversation from what seemed to be ages ago sprang to his mind, and the words formed on his lips like an echo.

“Beautiful beast.”

Ren turned crimson, but held his gaze as Hux’s hands travelled over his bare torso to come to a sudden stop at the waist band of the loose pants he was wearing.

“Let your pleasure be mine. Give me this.” It wasn’t quite an order, but it didn’t fit the description of a request either: it was an in-between with its own truth.

Breathless, Ren’s answer was a rushed, “Yes, Kriff, _yes_ ,” and he lifted his hips obediently when Hux rose himself and dragged the cloth down and out of the way.

Hux had seen many nice cocks in his lifetime – but nothing could’ve possibly prepared him for the sight of that glorious _thing_ standing at rapt attention between Ren’s legs, forming an aesthetically pleasing arc in the direction of his belly button.

“Damn, sweet Maker…,” he whispered, more a prayer than a curse, and before the owner of said thing could utter a single word, he wrapped his hand around it, seizing its girth and weight. The words _beautiful beast_ gained a whole new dimension and Hux felt a lewd smile bloom on his face.

“Well, you haven’t promised too much, sweet boy,” he said between tentative pulls up and down the hard shaft, “That’s a really nice cock you have.” He toyed with the foreskin for a while, enjoying the silken-smooth texture and the wet glide over the head, while watching his own moves in fascination, tightening his hold now and then.

Ren, on the other hand, had a hard time keeping still as he moaned and twisted with each stroke of Hux’s expert hand. “Hux, please, I’m…I’m close…”

Oh. How could’ve he forgotten: Ren was a novice to this, so, if Hux wanted this to last more than mere seconds, he would have to tone things down a bit. Chuckling, he grabbed the base of that glorious cock and applied pressure to starve off Ren’s impending orgasm. By the way: It was time to test a theory.

“Tell me one thing, Kylo: You’ve never done this before, have you?”

A shiver whacked his body, as his pleasure was taken from him so crudely, but nonetheless, he answered after gulping in a deep breath to steady himself. “Not with someone else. It’ so…different when someone else…does this.”

Never ceasing his firm hold on the base, Hux started to draw small circles over the slit leaking precome with his middle finger, spreading the clear fluid over the twitching flesh of the cockhead.

“Do you want me to stop?” He had no inclination to do so, but he wanted to make sure that Kylo was within his comfort zone. He had to smile when Ren almost began to shout.

“No, Kriff, no! please, don’t!”

Reaching over to drag a hand over Ren’s flushed face in reconciliation, he didn’t care for the smear of precome he spread across his cheek.

“It’s okay, my beautiful beast, I won’t abandon you,” he promised as he loosened the hold to his cock and picked up his former pace. “I’ll show you something nice, just watch me,” and with that he opened his mouth and descended upon Ren’s cock as far the burn in his throat would let him while his hand held onto the part that wouldn’t fit in.

Ren eyed him all the while, a silent scream stuck in his own throat as his mouth hung open without a sound. Hux decided that he loved that sight. He also would’ve loved to take all of Ren down into him, but the sheer size of that cock and his lack of recent training sadly prevented that, so he had to content himself with going down on him as far as possible. For now. Coming up for air, he grabbed the shaft with both hands and started to jerk him in earnest, listening to Ren’s moans, but deciding that it wasn’t enough.

“Louder, let me hear your voice.”      

It was as if a dam broke: Ren’s grunts and moans gained a whole new quality and Hux had to sneak a hand into his own briefs for some relief, freeing his erection in the process.

The moment Hux gulped down Ren’s fat cock again, the other outright screamed his name, and suddenly there were hands in his hair, urging him down further on the unyielding muscle. Tears began to form at the corners of his eyes, and breathing became an irrelevant fact as he opened up for Ren even further. The strange trail connecting them was there again and he wasn’t entirely sure where his own body ended and Ren’s began, but he felt the shivers that indicated a nearing orgasm, even though he wasn’t sure whether it was his own or the others’.

It didn’t matter in the end as hot semen gushed down his throat and blinding white pleasure made the world spin sideways on its axis. His body was shuddering violently as he came untouched all across his abdomen like an inexperienced fifteen-year-old boy. Static was crackling in his ears as the slowly softening member in this mouth made way for his airflow and he swallowed down the bitter seed before he gulped in some much-need air.

The hand that had clawed into his hair mere moments before caught him, lowered him down, and he was finally able to make out words through the blood coursing in his ears.

“Hux? Are you okay? Did I hurt you? Hux?”

He wanted to tell Ren to fucking stop screaming, but his state of advanced satisfaction sabotaged every higher brain function.

“’m fine. Stop yelling.” Blinking his eyes open, he looked right into Ren’s blissfully fucked out face lying right next to him.

“That was incredible,” he said.

“It was a stupid blowjob. Idiot.”

“You came, too. Rather…violently.” Ren had the exorbitance to pluck at his come-crusted shirt to prove his point.

“I’m glad you enjoyed the ride,” was Hux’s snide remark, but maybe he should’ve chosen his words more wisely as pictures of Ren actually _riding_ him flooded his mind through their shared link. Another thing for his list of ‘the never ending miracles concerning Kylo Ren’. “Well at least I was able to get your mind off of things troubling you.”

Ren’s face practically crumbled, his shoulders tensing again, and Hux could’ve hit himself for bringing this up again, spoiling their afterglow.

“Come on, Kylo. Your mother won’t be able to track you down to his place. Relax a bit,” he said, expecting Ren to settle down again, but instead he rose in one fluid motion to stand right next to the bed in all of his naked glory, collecting the clothes that were strewn all over the floor, to put them on hurriedly. 

Hux sat up to watch him in confusion.

The moment Ren turned around and leant down to face Hux again, he knew something was completely off as his hands were shaking again with rising panic. The back of his fingers graced his cheek fleetingly, and there were unnamed emotions swirling in his eyes when his palm stretched over Hux’s temple, and the world faded out suddenly - as if he was swallowed by a black hole.

There was no sanctuary in the darkness surrounding him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [uhm, hello](http://blood-and-pepper.tumblr.com/)


	9. the bond

Hux felt hung-over: His head was heavy as lead and nausea crawled through his guts in pulsing waves. Opening his eyelids seemed to be a task beyond his capabilities, so he decided to stay afloat in the darkness engulfing him.

Yet, a small, but urgent voice in the back of his mind insisted that he had to get up, no matter the costs. He didn’t recall why exactly it was important that he did so, though the nagging never stopped. Quite on the contrary: it only grew in volume, and after some inner debate, he gave in; forcing himself to wake.

The first sun had just begun to rise above the horizon indicating that it was still early morning, so Hux reclined back into his pillow – only to notice that it was in fact _not his pillow_. Rising to his elbows, he took in his surroundings: Neither was this his room.

A sharp stab in his temples made him wince, and he fell back into the bedding, trying frantically to will down the bile rising in his throat. Drawing in deep breaths helped to calm his upset stomach, but along with each inhale, he noted a distinctive, familiar smell until, finally, the mental dam in his mind broke like a rubber band stretched too tight, flooding him with impressions that all narrowed down to a single thought in the end:

_Kylo._

“Kylo,” he rasped out between clenched teeth as if to let the word gain substance with uttering it aloud.

He remembered, oh, he remembered now in shocking details: Their shared night together, their sudden fallout afterwards, and Ren’s crude decision to knock him unconscious with the Force. It was clear as day why his sub-consciousness urged him to take action: He had to find him and get answers.

Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, he wanted to start his search with a sprint to the hallway, only to be forced down to his knees again as black and white dots danced across his vision in a ring-a-ring-a-rose. This time, there was no holding back, he puked whatever was left of his last meal onto the floor next to the bed. The strategist side in him commented on that with a snappish ‘launch failure’, and Hux was angry with himself for his very own saltiness, so he just wiped his mouth and took in a deep breath.

He made it to his feet again and actually headed for his destination - though in a much slower pace than he initially intended and would’ve liked.

Ren wasn’t in the kitchen and the engine room was deserted, too. Passing by an active monitor, Hux froze in shock as he took in the chrono display blinking idly at the bottom: He hadn’t spared one thought about how long he’d been out until that moment. If the clock was right – and there was no reason why it shouldn’t - more than a complete circle had passed since Kylo knocked him unconscious.

If Hux had been deeply worried before, sheer panic was now clawing its nails down his back as he searched room after room to no avail. He was covered in sweat when he made it to the cockpit, and it took all of his willpower not to succumb to the scalding hot fear that whispered _he left you behind, you are a burden, as always, an obstacle in everyone’s way, he’s gone for good just as everyone else…_

 _Chimera, the beast_ , was snarling at him again with numerous eyes like burning coals, and Hux wasn’t able to tear his gaze away from its all-consuming mouths that opened wide to tear him to pieces. He shrank into himself, shying away from the glistening fangs, waiting for the pain of the bite.

A chirp in binary let the monster disappear with an angry roar, and Hux found himself clawing the pilot seat while trying to get his erratic breathing back under control.

The melodic sound repeated, and he finally took note of Ren’s hardly repaired LT-unit standing right next to him, asking a question that barely registered.

“I’m fine,” Hux said in the end to stop the constant beeping. A maintenance droid shouldn’t be able to look doubtful, yet his refocusing optical lenses managed to achieve that as it gave him a thorough all-over glance. Hux hadn’t translated binary for quite some time due to the fact that the First Order High Command didn’t rely much on droids in their ranks, but he was sure that it retorted something that sounded awfully close to a snippy ‘you sure?’. Leave it to Kylo to program a droid who proved to be as hard to handle as its owner.

“Stop that, I said I’m okay. Where’s Ren?!”

The droid let its chunky head hang, not gracing him with a reply as it began to fiddle with its main console. With a hiss the holoprojector stuttered to life, and Ren’s tall form emerged in the flickering beam. He looked tormented and troubled, with eyes trained to the ground, searching for words and finding none.

Hux felt his mouth grew dry as parchment as he waited for the image to start speaking.

_Some days ago…you’ve asked me how many times I planned on repeating that I’m sorry. Well, I have to do it again: I’m sorry, Hux. But things aren’t always as easy as you would like them to be._

Here, he lifted his gaze and the holo flickered, sending waves through his projection.

_Again, it’s all my fault; I’m the one to blame. I know, I keep on hurting you, but, Kriff, I don’t see any other way. Believe me, I do this to spare you further pain._

There was bitter desperation reverberating in Kylo’s voice, and even in the shivering image his eyes shone like dark pearls, filled to the brim with emotion. A lump was forming in Hux’s throat and he had to swallow around it to continue breathing.

_You know, I’m not good with words, but hear me out nonetheless. Last night was perfect. I can’t say how glad I am that you shared this with me. Being so close to you showed me how much we both are connected through the Force. There’s a bond between us; inseparable. This is a wonderful thing._

There was the tiny, happy smile on his lips again, but Hux watched it die as Ren continued.

_But, again, it isn’t that simple. The Force flows through me to other people, too: The stronger the bond, the stronger the cross-connection, the webbing in between._

He huffed out a defeated sigh, raking a hand through his hair, and something stirred in Hux at the by now familiar gesture.

 _Believe it or not, but in a twisted way, you’ve hit the nail on the head when you said that my mother couldn’t be able to sniff me out here: Hux, she possibly_ can _. Without Snoke’s support, I don’t know how to shield her off; our natural bond is too strong, and with her being Force sensitive it only amplifies it further. Together with Skywalker she could find a way to follow this bond back to this very place._

His face was downright guilt-stricken when he uttered his next words.

 _Being caught in their crossfire might be bad enough, but the worst thing is…Like that, I’m a threat to your safety, too. If they find me here, they’ll find_ you _. They will kill you, if they find you. I can’t let them get to you. I can’t. No. They won’t get you; I will make sure of that. That’s why I have to do this._

Ren was rambling in the end, talking as if in high fever, his hands balled to fists at his sides, trembling under the strain.

_I have to get away from you to protect you. I hate this with every fiber of my being, but there’s no way around it: If it means that I have to wander off alone in order to have you safe and sound – so be it. It’s my price to pay. I’m the obstacle in your path after all, I’m sorry. I did say that we were in this together, and the bond between us proves that we are, but I can’t expose you to that danger._

Hux felt numb. He wished he could feel anything at all, but there was just an endless void beginning to spread within him, bleeding out all emotions that previously had been there. On the surface, the world looked the same as it did mere moments before: The holo was wavering in transmission errors, the droid’s joints never stopped their whirring right next to him, and Tatooine’s suns were rising in blazing heat high above the horizon – but the very essence of it all had lost its meaning to him.

Strangely enough even _Chimera_ , _the beast,_ stayed mute and silent as if it, too, was shocked to the bone.  

Tear tracks running down Hux’s cheeks were the only proof that he was still a feeling human being, but even crying seemed to be so abstract to him that he wrote it off as a subconscious by-product.

Nothing changed the fact that Ren, no, that _Kylo_ , was gone. Gone, because he wanted to protect him from threats barely visible at the horizon. Kylo’s voice startled him from his deep thoughts.

_I once told you that no matter what, in the end it always comes down to you, didn’t I? Well, at least I’ve figured out why it is that way. I’m an idiot in so many ways, but, hey, at least I got that one tracked down: Hux, I…I love you. I think I always have. It just…took me a damn long time to notice. Fuck, I wish I could’ve had the opportunity to tell you directly, but all this mess won’t let me. Maybe you will love me back - at least a little bit – but, of course, I can never be sure of that, can I…I just don’t know. It would be just so nice if you would love me too, okay? I’m on the run for the sake of both of us, so please don’t be mad at me for making things up to my liking._

Shivers were shaking Hux’s arms as he clawed at the pilot seat until the tips of his fingers turned white under the pressure. Somewhere along Kylo’s rumbled lines, he’d stopped breathing, and it was as if a dam broke when a bitter laugh from deep within shook him, as he sank to his knees, all energy leaving his body. At least this time, he actually _felt_ like crying, so he succumbed to his uncontrolled sobbing the moment his manic laugh subsided to make room for utter despair. Above him, the projection continued.

 _I hope that I’ll find a way to block them out, sever the bond for good, or get rid of them in person in one way or another…I haven’t figured out a plan yet, but I’ll come up with something, I promise. Until then, I’ll leave the_ Chimera _to your care, as well as all of my resources – I have no need for them and can obtain whatever I may need through the Force. Take them, get away from here. Use that genius brain of yours to make your escape. Please, stay safe._

Hux looked up when he noted that Ren had stopped speaking. There was a toothy smile on Ren’s face when he said the next words.

_I’m still waiting for you to properly name me, you know. I’m Kylo to you and you alone, but to the rest of the galaxy, I’m no one. Nobody. The next time we’ll meet, I’ll expect a nice name, okay?_

Ren’s voice was chocked by now, and he was crying silently between the words, unknowingly mirroring Hux. In the distorted image of the holo, his tears looked like strings of diamonds that some deity had adorned his face with. He looked so unearthly beautiful, Hux decided.

_I’ll leave some important stuff with you, too. First, there’s Elty._

He vaguely gestured to the droid currently re-playing the holo. Right. Calling an LT-unit like that made sense in an adorably obvious way only Ren could possibly come up with.

_It’ll be your co-pilot and support in handling the ship. Actually, I did kinda hire him to be the chief-mechanic. You’ll be grateful that I’ve chosen to repair this heap of trash, believe me._

Kylo was crying _and_ laughing by now.

_Second, I’ve instructed it to hand you one of my biggest treasures the moment this transmission ends. Keep it as a token of my trust and as a memento. Maybe think of me, now and then._

Now, Hux watched in rapt attention as Ren lowered his head again to watch him through the curly curtain of his fringe.

_Stay safe, my beautiful soul. The Force works in wondrous ways. It’ll lead us back together in this world…or the next. I’m sure of that._

Ren swallowed dry and licked his lips, blinking away fat drops of tears. Then the holo faded out with a stutter and the _Chimera’s_ cockpit fell silent again.

Hux continued to stare at the point where Ren’s picture had been for a long time, and only the tentative beeping of the droid tore him from his reverie as it tried to get his attention. Still crouching on the ground, he looked up at its time-worn oculars and the peeling varnish surrounding them.

“He’s really gone for good, isn’t he, Elty?”

Its sad lament whistle was answer enough. Rolling closer to Hux’s collapsed form, it folded its shoulder plating to the side, and produced something out of the hidden storage with a third arm Hux hadn’t noticed being there before.

He recognized the item immediately even though it seemed to be like an artefact from a past long gone suddenly dragged into light of day. When Hux gingerly took it from the droid’s hold, it lay in his hand, surprisingly light and smooth, its durasteel hull - although scratched and battered - repaired and the machinery most likely perfectly operational. Hux gazed at it in open amazement, and had to smile despite the circumstances.

It was one of the unsolved mysteries concerning Kylo Ren why he had left his trademark cross-guard lightsaber in Hux’s hands.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [uhm, hello](http://blood-and-pepper.tumblr.com/)


	10. 'never-befores'

Hux decided that he had the right to hate Tatooine with a passion very unbecoming of his usual collected and controlled self. He was out to Mos Eisley not more than two standard hours, and his clothes were already soaked through by his own sweat. On top of that, he’d acquired the sunburn of his life even through the layers of fabric that should’ve shielded him, and the itch only added to his foul mood. Never before had he actually missed Arkanis, but right now he would give a small fortune to trade in those unforgiving suns for the soft, drizzling rain of his home world.

His gaze wandered over the dust-covered hangars and the adjourning buildings, watching the mass of different species strolling to and fro – always keeping an eye out for the one, special form he would recognize even with closed eyes.

He should’ve known that searching for Ren would be fruitless: With his ability to erase memories and bend people’s will to his liking, there was no way he would’ve left a track for Hux to follow – but Hux didn’t give up on trying nonetheless. Four official take offs had left the planet since yesterday morning - along with unnumbered unofficial ones: All those smugglers and half-hearted pirates coming and going didn’t care much for scheduled leavings and registered passenger lists. Ren was most likely over a parsec away by now.

Pulling his scarf down his nose, he heaved a sigh and turned to the constantly complaining droid following him in an uneven gait, its three arms trailing listlessly behind: Ren’s repairs on its accelerator definitely needed some fine-tuning.

“I know it’s hot, Elty, so stop fussing, okay?” Hux said in an utterly defeated voice, and hadn’t he already felt so down, it would have amused him how the droid’s warbled answer sounded pretty much the same. Hux’s throat felt raw like sandpaper as he eyed the entry of a tavern: He was in dire need for a drink.

“Let’s take a break.”

Concealing his face again, he made sure his hood was still in place hiding his red hair, and stepped through the door, grateful that he didn’t turn the heads of the few residents. Humans were considered a minor, lesser race in Hutt territory – and he was grateful for that for the first time ever. General Hux was most likely considered dead, but he couldn’t be entirely sure, so taking precautions seemed to be a wise course of action – especially in regards of the sheer density of bounty hunters around here. 

He spotted a secluded seat in a dim alcove close to the door and headed for it with Elty in tow. Reclining on the worn bench, he was thankful that the insectoid waiter understood at least a few words of basic, and the ordered drink was placed in front of him a few moments later.

Hiding in the shadows, Hux removed his scarf a bit to take a sip, pondering his options: Ren was gone without a trace, and he himself should make a run for the deeper realms of the Outer Rim - yet he wasn’t able to leave Ren behind the way the other quite obviously had left him. Heading for a random destination felt like separating from him ultimately, but that was only one part of the truth: Something unnamable kept him here, and he wasn’t able to put a finger on _why_. Never before had he felt so aimless, so lost and stuck in limbo.

It seemed to be a day for ‘never-befores’, he thought in reconciliation as he watched his face in the sloshing surface of his drink. But the unbeaten highlight of those strange happenstances was without a doubt Kylo’s love declaration via holo-transmission. No one had ever said those words to him, and Hux brought the glass to his lips to wash away the bitter-sweet taste that memory left in his mouth. What wouldn’t he give to have Ren right here next to him. He would force him to repeat those daring words, gauge their meaning, their honest, or not so honest intent. Only then would he have at least an inkling of the true depth of their nature.

The lump to his throat was back again, and the clawing hold to the glass grew painful, so he let go of it even though it took more willpower than he was willing to admit. Damn Ren and all those emotions he brought in his wake.

Hux tried to focus on formulating a plan, a list of ‘what-to-do-next’, but no matter what, his mind returned to Ren’s black-pearl eyes and this stuttered ‘I love you’. Dragging a hand over his face didn’t help to shoo away his troubled thoughts at all, so he picked up his drink again and downed it in one go.

The moment he fished some credits out of his pocket, he noted how the atmosphere around him had impalpably shifted: The tavern’s scenery remained pretty much the same, though the air hummed with this strange, yet familiar cracking of electricity that indicated the Force. For one giddy second he thought that Ren had returned, but taking in the texture of the energy surrounding him, he got a very distinctive feeling of _foreignness_. Hux tried to locate the source only to notice that he wasn’t able to move one muscle: He sat like frozen in time.

“The drink is on me,” a deep voice next to him said, placing the money on the table-top.

Hux tried to turn his head with all of his might, but his efforts were in vain. Dread was settling low in his stomach: He had to wait for whatever was coming at him.

“I didn’t expect _you of all people_ to be here,” the other continued. “I thought I’d run into one of his knights or some other minion, but now I’m sitting right next to the First Order’s once-so-mighty General. The whole galaxy thinks that you’re dead.” Here he paused for a moment as if to reconsider his next words. “And the world would be a better place if you actually would be.”

Hux felt the gaze analyzing him, scanning over his body to seek answers.

“It’s strange…his Force signature clings to you like a halo…it’s as if you’re part of his very own energy. Never before have I seen something alike.”

Smiling inwardly, Hux heard himself mutter a silent _‘Well, at least I’m not the only one having a never-before-day’._

His head was slowly being turned to face the man, and what Hux had already assumed with the sparse information the short one-way-communication between them provided, became reality in an instant: Next to him in the dingy alcove sat no other than Luke Skywalker himself, eyeing him with a mix of disdain and interest.

_I should’ve run while I still had the chance._

Bemoaning his uncharacteristically lack in strategic foresight wouldn’t turn this situation for the better, so he focused on Skywalker, taking in his light, piercing eyes and the weather-worn lines of his face. He looked older than in the last holo he’d seen of him, but it was the same man, without a doubt. Hux tried to compare him to Kylo, yet their features spoke a different language. The only traits that stood out in striking similarity were the deep, haunted shadows that were etched into both of their physiognomies. 

He seemed to muster Hux with the same thorough intensity.

“The propaganda holos didn’t do you justice: Without your uniform and all that useless decorum you are just a frightened, little boy.”

Hux felt like he’d been slapped, and blood began pooling in his mouth from biting the inner sides of his mouth in order to contain his rage. At least that bare minimum of muscle coordination was left for him.

_Says the one who’s nothing more than a wandering ghost._

Something flickered in Skywalker’s eyes, and Hux was more or less expecting the hissing blade of a lightsaber come crashing down at him. Instead Elty chirped in indignation, and its willowy arms shot out to grab the other’s limbs in a firm hold.

A roaring laugh tore through the silence that had suddenly settled in the room, and the heads of the few other occupants turned their way at the sound.

“That’s quite some brave droid you have here,” Skywalker said, the laugh still audible in his voice. Turning to Elty, he regarded it with a surprisingly fond gaze. “I’m not here to harm your Master. If I would, he would already be dead by now, believe me.”

A flood of enraged binary was now directed at Skywalker in a rising crescendo.

Hux knew that Elty was extraordinary talkative for a maintenance droid, but he didn’t know that it was able to sprout such a broad variety of expletives. In the end, both men sat there dumbfounded and open-mouthed, listening to the heartfelt cussing and cursing of the wiry machine.

 _He didn’t learn those words from me, I swear,_ was all Hux could think into the mind-space between them.

Before Skywalker had any chance to retort anything, the bartender of the same insectoid species as the waiter appeared before them, and hissed something in the native tongue of his that let even Elty fall silent.

“I’m sorry that we made such a scene,” Skywalker said, obviously understanding the creature perfectly fine. “We were just exchanging a warm welcome, but if you insist, we can relocate our reunion somewhere else.”

With that, he placed a few more credits on the table to sooth the still grumbling bartender, who snatched them away with a lightning-fast move.

“Let’s go,” Skywalker said and rose from his seat.

Hux felt the oppressing aura leave his body gradually, but he was still forced to follow him when the other headed for the door, dragging Elty along with him as if the droid was some over-sized accessory. The whole situation would’ve been awfully funny if it weren’t for the fact that Hux was still at the man’s complete mercy.

He led them to a battered air-speeder where Hux took the steering wheel without intending to do so, setting them on a course he didn’t know the destination of. Fighting against the chokehold on his mind proved to be useless, and only let a migraine begin to pulse in his temples, so he begrudgingly ceased all attempts to shake it off. Hux felt Skywalker’s smug smile almost bodily.   

They travelled for quite some time to finally come to a halt at an old settlement in the crevasses of a deep canyon.

“…I haven’t been here in over a decade,” Skywalker mumbled into his beard as he entered a low, half-dug in building. Again, Hux had to follow him like a faithful dog with Elty trailing right behind.

The main room was filled with stale air. Dust had covered the interior in a fine layer, and Hux watched as the man opened the blinds. He vaguely gestured to a chair.

“Have a seat, General, feel at home,” and Hux was sat down rather unceremoniously. “This used to be the house of an old friend of mine,” he continued seemingly still lost in thought.

It was Elty who brought him back to matters at hand with an insistent trill.

“You want to know what you’re supposed to do here? Well, first of all: I will have a nice chat with your master because I have some questions that I want answered. And second: Your accelerator needs some dire repairs.” With that he left the room only to reappear a few moments later with a tool set under his arm, and took the seat next to Hux, but still addressed the droid as if the other man wasn’t there at all.

“You are an old version of the 4-series, aren’t you? Three limbed and die-hard.”  

Finally, he turned to Hux, gracing him with his attention. “That’s quite a good choice for a droid, General.” With a flick of his wrist Ren’s saber that had been clipped to Hux’s belt came soaring to Skywalker’s hand. He eyed the item as if it was a venomous creature ready to bite, his lips a thin, tight line. He turned it in his hand for a closer inspection, but placed it behind him on a low table in the end.

With another curt gesture, Hux was finally freed from the mental restrictions that had kept him in reigns for so long, and he sagged into his seat with a heavy sigh. His body functions returned to him one after the other, and he balled his firsts out of instinct as his previous anger returned tenfold.

“You damn bastard,” he spat, watching Skywalker with unveiled contempt.

“We had a remarkable false start, I would say. I’m not here to taunt you. All I want to know is: Where’s Ben?”

Hux felt the sneer blossom on his lips with satisfaction. “Dead and buried a long time ago – at least that’s what _Kylo Ren_ had told me.”

It was even more satisfactory to watch Skywalker flinch at the mention of that name, so he continued, “Kylo is free to go wherever he pleases. He was bound long enough. By you. By Snoke. By fucking _everyone_ who decided it would be appropriate to mess with his life.”

Skywalker avoided his gaze, swallowed dry, then picked up one of the tools and began to loosen Elty’s front plate even though the droid protested with all of its might. “It’s okay; I want to help you, like I said. Your accelerator is one step away from collapsing completely.” Strangely enough, Elty fell silent and sat through the ordeal as Skywalker began the repairs.

A shiver ran down Hux’s spine upon the strange sight: It was as if time was distortedly mirrored, or caught up in an alternate universe all together, because this very scene stuck home so close to the initial one he had with Ren back then. This had to be one of life’s crueler jokes.

Without looking up, Skywalker addressed Hux again. “I know I’ve failed him. It wasn’t my intention to bind him, General. Never was. Never will. I just…try to make ends meet after all. With Snoke dead, we could have a re-start, or at least some sort of modus operandi. That’s why I followed the Force to this place – only to stumble upon _you_ instead.”

He turned to him questioningly, but Hux was far from inclined to answer unspoken questions, so he just held his gaze until the other returned to his task again with a frustrated huff, and a ‘stubborn bastard’ thrown in Hux’s direction.

His silent screwing continued for a while until Skywalker’s calibration tool slipped on a joint, and to Hux’s abject horror, Elty’s holoprojector stuttered to life, displaying Ren’s message of Goodbye.

Skywalker just stared at the transmission in open confusion, and contrary to Hux’s first urge to jump up and cancel the record, he leant back and watched in unabashed glee as the other man got the answers he so desperately wanted in a way he hadn’t considered in his wildest dreams.

But seeing the holo again hurt no less than it did the first time, and Hux felt tears well up against his will, banishing the ugly, petty smile that had been there previously. He closed his eyes, just listening to Kylo’s voice: His regrets of having to leave so suddenly, his confession, the explanation of how Force-Bonds seemed to work.

When the holo finally flickered off, Skywalker looked at the ground as if the universe’s most important question found its answer written in the dusty tiles. His voice was small when he finally spoke up.

“You must hate me.”

Hux heaved a mirthless laugh.

“This isn’t about me: All you ever did was dish out pain and sorrow for _him_. Kriff, I wish you would never cross paths with Kylo again, that you would stay out of his life for good. You are one of the poisons that slowly kill him.”

Rising from his seat, Hux towered above the crouched figure. Never before had he been able to conjure up the crackling energy of the Force by sheer will, but apparently now was a good time to start with that: It flooded his senses with golden fire and poured from his lips with his next words.

_Set him free._

Skywalker stared at him as if he’d seen a ghost, and suddenly he looked like he’d aged ten years within the span of a few moments, face worn and defeated.

Hux lowered himself to eyel-evel, kneeling right next to him. “Set him free, Skywalker, you have no right to hold him back,” he said, and the open sincerity of his own words startled him deeply.

The other’s eyes shone with recognition, then he nodded, tearing his gaze away from Hux’s inquiring stare. “You love him,” he spoke into the space between them.

A small smile shushed over Hux’s features as he pondered the question that wasn’t quite a question. Today not only seemed to be a day of ‘never-befores’, but also one of many questions and fewer answers.

“I need to find him,” Hux said in a steady voice that bellied his agitation.

Skywalker had the audacity to just nod, and started to fiddle with Elty’s acceleration module again. “Yes, you have, but at least, he left behind the key to do that.”

Hux flinched as if struck by lightning.

“He… _what_?!”

“You heard me quite well, General. He left you the key to the lock. Figuratively spoken. Come on, General, what did he leave in your care? He had been so obvious about it: The ship, our friend Elty, and…”

Hux eyes wandered to the black item resting idly on the small table a few feet away from him. He fixed it with his eyes and let the golden flood reach out to it: First it began to wiggle, and then rotate, seemingly out of its own accord, to come hurtling to Hux’s outstretched hand in the end. He knew bantha shit about the ways of the Force, but if there was even an inkling of a chance that Ren’s odd lightsaber was able to lead the way to its owner, he would be more than ready to take that chance.

“How?” he whispered, looking straight into Skywalker’s grey winter-eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [uhm, hello](http://blood-and-pepper.tumblr.com/)


	11. set him free

These Skywalker-men had the disturbing tendency to surprise him deeply: The dish that was placed in front of him smelled heavenly.

Hux had no idea how he managed to come up with something that fresh and delicious if he hadn’t been in this place for ages, but maybe Skywalker just was a ‘chef extraordinaire’ in regards of preparing dehydrated food which was meant to stay edible for centuries. His stomach didn’t want to keep up with his mind’s musings, however, and simply grumbled in anticipation. He’d lost more than a few pounds during their escape – and Hux wasn’t what one would call “fleshed out” before the ordeal with the order, so he was inclined to enjoy the meal even though the circumstances were more than weird.

They weren’t exactly exchanging pleasantries, yet the hostile aura from before had dissipated, and Hux was sure that some unspoken truce had fallen in its place instead.

“Enjoy your meal,” Skywalker said, fixing him with the piercing gaze again that seemed to see right to the depths of his very being. “Guess you are in need for a decent one.”

Instead of answering, Hux began to silently dig in, not caring much for etiquette: He was on the most uncivilized planet imaginable, was more or less starving right now, and there was little to no use in impressing his counterpart.

Skywalker watched him with an amused smile dancing around his lips. Suddenly, he looked very much like Kylo – or Kylo like him - and Hux almost choked on his bite. There was no mistake, they had the same smile: lopsided, wide and full-lipped.

He stared at Hux in open confusion.

“The smile? Really, is that so? I never knew,” the other man asked, a dash of amazement in his voice.

Obviously Hux’s thoughts must have been a bit louder than intended. He cursed inwardly and swore to himself that he had to work on thinking ‘quieter’.

“We were never much alike, Ben and I…I mean…,” Skywalker stumbled upon his own lines, reconsidered his course and started anew. “ _He_ and I had never much in common. Neither in features nor in character,” he finished between sips of his drink.

“You both seem to have a liking for fucked-up droids,” Hux couldn’t help, but deadpan. “It was Kylo who dragged Elty along, and decided to repair it. This has to be some severe genetically predisposition if you ask me.”

Skywalker’s open laugh startled him a bit, and he overplayed it by chewing on another forkful of his meal.

“General, you have _no idea_ how much this is true.”

“Spare me the weird family stories, Sir; I believe them unheard.”

Again, the other was back at scrutinizing him thoroughly. “You are undoubtedly one of the most horrible persons in the whole, wide galaxy - and you would probably look better locked up in a cell than sitting at my dining table – but I’m starting to appreciate your snark.”

“And here I was, already beginning to wonder why you haven’t handed me over to the nearest officials by now,” Hux answered, setting his fork down, holding his gaze. He knew he was treading on thin ice, yet this was the very question that sat on the tip of his tongue for the longest time, always threatening to slip free.

“What would I gain from that?” Skywalker leant forwards on his elbows, hands folded in front of him. “The dead stay dead, and you are pretty much the same wandering ghost as I am – and I know what a punishment that is, believe me. You will never have a place to belong to; will know not one second of peace in your life again…though you probably never have in the first place.”

Hux allowed the small, petty smile to reappear on his face as he thought back to Ren and his discussion about his burns and how they would most likely scar: Yes, he never was unblemished; there had always been a taint. Peace wasn’t made for him.

_Peace is a lie._

He didn’t know where that intuition came from, yet it had a ring to it truer than anything else had that ever crawled up from deep within his soul. The golden warmth spread inside of him, and he felt its power surge through his bloodstream.

Skywalker watched him with eyes widened in silent understanding. “You are one of the darkest souls I’ve ever met. Yet, you have absolutely _no idea_ what you’re doing. As smart and cunning as you might be in regards to everything else: You are ignorant to the ways of the Force and the gift your lover has given you.”

Indignation welled up in Hux upon hearing those words, and he wasn’t sure if he was more enraged about the word ‘ignorant’, ‘gift’ or ‘lover’. He decided that he’d hate the whole sentence with a passion.

“ _There’s only passion_ ,” Skywalker whispered, and it unnerved Hux how he had the sudden feeling to know these words inside out, even though he would’ve sworn he heard them for the first time. Hux’s confusion must’ve been written all over his face as other man pinched his eyes closed and rubbed a hand over his forehead, exhaling a garbled sigh. He pushed his plate to the side, apparently no longer hungry.

“Listen, General, I have next to no idea how you of all people ended up with Force powers, but I’m sure _he_ is the reason for it. This energy you feel flowing through you _is_ the Force, there’s no denying it. It’s darker in nature than anything _he_ ever tried to achieve – even though the magnitude of yours is way weaker. Yours is like the dark afterimage of the original picture. A shadow. But it’s there and you can utilize it, you’ve proven that already. Believe it or not: I think you have a talent for it.”

Hux was one hair’s width away from canceling their fragile truce, and stab Skywalker to death with his very own fork. Instead he speared the innocent vegetable on his plate with more force than necessary, glaring daggers at the Jedi.

“Why should Kylo transfer parts of his powers to me?”

“I don’t think he did that knowingly - it’s most likely an accidental by-product. Had you two been in any life-threatening situations, where a Force bond could’ve formed?”

Well.

Hux wouldn’t call their heated and immensely pleasurable round of fellatio a ‘life-threatening situation’, but no supernatural power in the universe would be able to let him confess that little detail to Luke _fucking_ Skywalker.

“Oh.”

Hux heard him gasp in sudden realization as he once more picked up his stray thoughts: So much for keeping his mind more on the silent side.

“Well, I guess that works, too,” the other man said, that smug smile of his back in place.

Never in his wildest dreams had Hux thought he would ever sit at Skywalker’s table, discussing the consequences of his sex-life, yet here he was. He poked at his poor, maltreated vegetable a bit more in hopes the topic would wander off to less embarrassing aspects of Force-bonds.

“Sex is a great way to form a bond, though usually it isn’t laden with such outcomes. The two of you must really have a special connection. Now that I think about it: You haven’t answered my question back then.” His playful smile was gone in an instant, being replaced by an expression that meant real business.

“Do you love him?” he asked without further preamble.

Hux’s fork hit the plate with an angry clang, and parts of the ceramic’s enamel chipped off upon the impact.

“I don’t see how’s that any of your business, Skywalker,” he hissed through clenched teeth. 

The air around them grew dense, like the atmosphere right before a summer storm.

“You idiot. Don’t you see that it’s your end of the bond that will lead you to the other? He made his point clear to you, but you have to sort yourself out in order to find your way to him.”

His eyes were somehow like steel: unforgiving. Yet, strangely soft. All rolled up in one gaze. “It makes quite a difference whether you are at least able to embrace what he was so willingly offering to you. It’s _you_ who has to pick up the loose end and follow the track. Admitting your commitment is the first step along that line. Or have you already given up on him?”

Hux felt his heart beating in his throat. Breathing was hard that way. Angry tears were lurking right behind his eyes, waiting to be spilled, but he willed them away with a deep inhale. His voice was barely recognizable when he finally opened his mouth.

“No. Kriff, no. Not once had he given up on me. I will follow him to the edge of the universe if I have to. I won’t let him roam the worlds alone. I might be a ghost, but I… _refuse_ to let him wander off on his own.” By now, Hux had his face buried in his hands as if to shut out the whole world with this simple gesture.

Unseeing to him, his counterpart just nodded.

“Good. That’s a start.”

The almost-silent noise of something being placed right in front of him lured him out of his shielding.

In the glistening low-light of the room, Kylo’s saber looked like the enchanted magical object from a children’s fairytale – and maybe it was exactly that: The sword that would slay the beast, the ultimate token of love, the light that would lead him home. Caressing its shell with his fingers, Hux felt the corners of his mouth turn upwards to form a gentle smile, before he grabbed the hilt in a firm hold as if to tightly hug a lover.

“Close your eyes, General. Feel the bond, the golden flood within you. Let yourself drift along. It’s no longer a tide that comes and goes: Imagine a river that flows in its destined bed. Do you see it?”

Skywalker’s words would’ve sounded like an over-ambitious pep-talk in any other situation, yet Hux was willing to give it a try out of sheer desperation. His eyes fell closed and he focused on the humming energy that seemed to be ever-present thanks to Kylo.

“…yes…yes, it’s there…was it always there? I don’t know. Maybe I never noticed,” he choked out as he let himself be washed away by the gleaming current.

Distantly, he heard Skywalker chuckle a “Maybe.”, but it held no consequences, no real meaning here. He focused on the flow that meandered in a surprisingly clear path, and he chided himself for not having the courage to try this out on his own sooner. Maybe the old Jedi was right, and he was indeed an ignorant idiot.

“Not _maybe_. And I’m not old!” was the distant answer, but Hux soared along his river in breathtaking speed, losing all sense of what was real and what was part of the journey his mind was on. In the end, he zoomed in on the figure that seemed to appear out of nowhere right in front of him. He actually did recognize him with eyes closed tightly: Kylo was standing right in front of him, looking shell-shocked and insecure, gazing over his shoulder to stare right into his eyes. Then, he smiled at him, and Hux’s name being spoken like a prayer made the scenery more real than it had any right to be. Hux flinched as if electrocuted.  

The golden river began to tear at its seams and, suddenly, he found himself sitting at the small dining table again, with sweat drying on his forehead, breathing as if he’d just come back from running a marathon. He felt Skywalker’s hand on his own to ground him, and he was grateful for the gesture, it helped him to settle into reality again.

“You’ve found him, haven’t you?”

Hux was still gasping. “Yes…Maker, yes, I’ve found him.” Leaning back into his seat, he closed his eyes again – and almost jerked as a clear and definite trail indicated the track he so desperately searched for: He discovered the route to follow; he had actually managed to pick up the loose end of the line that would lead him like a fix star.

Skywalker plucked the lightsaber from his hands, let it float in the space between them. It swirled around its axis in languid turns.

“The saber is what channels Force powers to one point. A long time ago, _he_ had chosen the cyber crystal that is part of the weapon’s very core through the Force, so it practically resonates with everything that is related to its owner. Frankly spoken: It is part of his soul. That’s why lightsabers hold so much power and are so important to their wielder. Leaving it behind in some other person’s care is quite unusual and speaks volumes of his dedication to you.”

Skywalker looked tired and worn as if it had been him who was on the search – but Hux couldn’t be sure how much the other helped him along during his mind quest.

“Why are you helping me? Tell me.”

“I’m not helping you,” he said, watching Hux with intent. “I’m helping _him_. If, by some more-than-cruel ways of the Force, it has to be you who should be able to let him find his place in the grand scheme of things, so be it. I’m still convinced that you are a horrible person that has yet to face justice for your deeds, but I can’t deny that the Force has some plans with you. Maybe I’m mistaken, and this will further along more chaos and destruction, yet I hope that you will be the one who frees him. I want him to find the happiness that had always abandoned him so far. See, all that’s left for me to do is hope.”

Hux just nodded. Formulated like that, it made an awful lot of sense.

“Find him,” Skywalker continued, “Go, get him a new name; I don’t know how to call him anymore. I won’t follow my bond to him any longer, I promise. I’ll set him free – as you’ve requested. If he’ll ever have the need to meet with me, he’ll find me here.”

With a curt gesture, the lightsaber descended into Hux’s hands again, and he clipped it back to its place at his side.

“What are you going to do now?” Hux asked.

“I don’t know. Staying here for a bit, I guess. It’s my home planet after all. I wonder why he chose this planet among countless others as your hideout: I was bound to sniff him out here sooner or later, but maybe he felt safe in the lion’s den, I don’t know.”

“Or he knew that it would be you who would be able to grant him his freedom by choice. I don’t really know you, Skywalker, but to me, you seemed to be that kind of person.”

“Your picture of me is flattering, General.”

“Not in the slightest. We both brought chaos upon the galaxy, and it’s most likely that we will be back at being enemies the moment we next meet again. But I don’t regret to have met you; you’ve shed light – no pun intended - upon many aspects I haven’t considered before.”

“Is that your way of saying ‘thank you’?”

“Probably.”

“It’s an unsolved mystery how he manages to love an insufferable brat as you.”

 _The never ending miracles concerning Kylo Ren,_ he thought in amusement. Instead, he retorted, “It’s due to my good looks, honestly.”

Again, Skywalker’s roaring laugh tore through the small room.

“Alright, pretty boy, let’s get you back to your ship.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [uhm, hello](http://blood-and-pepper.tumblr.com/)


	12. guessing-games

The _Chimera’s_ engines hummed softly, and he had to resist the urge to be lured back to sleep by their calming vibrations. Burying his face into the cushion, Hux inhaled the almost-gone traces of Ren’s scent. Maybe it had been a childish act to steal his pillow, but no one was here to judge him.

No matter how much he tried to block it from his thoughts; ignoring the ache that was constricting his lungs to no avail: Hux felt lonely. The feeling was far from being foreign to him – quite on the contrary – but right now, it had a vicious bite to it. Mulling over it in his head didn’t change the outcome: He missed Ren, and the golden band he continued to see clearly was a poor substitute for the real thing, yet, at least, it provided some comfort.

The engines seemed to stutter for a fraction of a second, and there was a dull clang when something bounced off the hull.

_Damn asteroid fields._

He relaxed again when no alarm began blaring, but decided to finally peel from the covers to head for the kitchen. Maybe a cup of caf and a protein bar would lift his spirits. He grabbed Kylo’s saber and tucked it into the waistband of his loose pants, cherishing its weight that mimicked the touch of a hand at his hip if he concentrated enough on the thought.

They – because, let’s face it: Elty was just as much part of Hux’s crew as he himself was - had roamed the outskirts of the Outer Rim for weeks by now without coming one step closer to their aim; Kylo always seemed to slip out of reach, uncatchable like water flowing through one’s hands. Hux had tried to get a connection to him via their bond, but he ended up without any sign or reaction, and more often than not, with a nasty migraine as a reward. The only constant seemed to be the bond itself, and the meandering line it described along the star chart where Hux had been able to find a correlating course through the sea of stars. He was on an odyssey home - only that his home seemed to be Ren. Along with the feel of loneliness, utter frustration began to wear on Hux’s nerves, making him cranky and uncharacteristically sentimental.

Leaning against the counter, Hux brushed a wayward strand of hair back behind his ear as he downed the hot beverage that was as bitter as his recent failures. Distantly, he was able to hear the beast roaring from the depths of his soul _._ It seemed to be the same ever-present entity that it always had been, though Hux was a bit surprised at how far away and detached it appeared to be recently. Maybe it had something to do with his freshly required Force powers, but he couldn’t be sure.

Reaching out to the golden flow within him, he flinched as instead of solace, he was flooded with the unspecific impression of being watched. Hux didn’t know how he was able to overlook the pair of eyes that burned holes into the back of his head even though there was no one else in the small room.

The mug slipped from his grip, and the moment it broke with an ugly clatter, he already was through the door on his way to the cockpit, heart hammering in his chest.

Elty sat at his usual station, but whereas it normally would greet him with idle chatter or a sulky complaint, its silence proved to be highly disturbing now. Hux knelt down next to the droid to find it simply deactivated. Hux felt a shiver run down his spine.

_Someone was on-board, someone was here._

His hand flew to his side, and the mere existence of the lightsaber’s hilt gave him all the reassurance he’d needed.

“Where are you?! I’m not fond of these hide-and-seek games. State the reason you are on my ship!” Hux heard the iron in his voice, and silently congratulated himself for sounding so unaffected even though the whole situation gave him chills.

A faint chuckle from the deepest shadows answered him, and Hux grip on his weapon intensified.

Stepping out of the corner, a wiry woman stood right in front of him, regarding him with an even gaze. She was rather small – just reaching up to his collar bones, yet her clear eyes shone with silent fire.

“ _Your ship_? Are you kidding me?” she asked, her voice reverberating with anger. “Nothing here belongs to you, Red. Neither the ship, nor the lightsaber you’re holding.”

The crease between her brows deepened, and at that moment, Hux noted the line of small, abstract tattoos that ran up her forehead to disappear below the hood of her dress, and the greenish sheen of her skin.

_Mirialan. She’s Mirialan._

“I beg your pardon, those are both things that are left in my care,” Hux said, trying not to sound miffed, but failing rather spectacularly. “I don’t own them, but they are indeed bestowed upon me. And I would appreciate it if you would abstain from calling me like that. My hair color is not my identity.”

“Right, _Red_ , you just _borrowed_ them, like any good thief.” Her words were dripping with sarcasm. “I’ve been following you around for quite some time, but you seem to have no distinctive course set. I would’ve loved to smoke out the rat’s nest where a scoundrel like you will undoubtedly return home to. But your pretty head on a stake will have to suffice then.” By now, she inched forwards in his direction, the flaps of her long dress billowing around her with every predatory step she took.

Only then did Hux take in that she too was holding a lightsaber in her clasped hand. Suddenly, it all fell into place.

“You’re Sanna Ren,” he spoke into the remaining space between them, and whatever hostile spell had been cast upon them fell away to make room for utter confusion.

“How…who…who are you?” she stuttered while circling him as if he was an unregistered specimen that waited categorizing by a scientist.

Hux heaved a sigh when the ill-fated aura lifted at least a little bit. “Right now, I’m nobody, so frankly, you actually _could_ call me ‘Red’. I used to be General Hux of the First Order in what seems to be ages ago. Your master dragged me from my crashing star destroyer and right into this mess. Unasked, might I add.”

“This sounds like Lord Ren,” she said with a small smile, cocking her head to one side. “ _You_ are his General, the one who’s been on his mind constantly. You’ve changed - or maybe the propaganda posters didn’t do you justice.”

Maybe the usage of the little pronoun ‘his’ worried him more than he’d let on, but he was already busy cringing inwardly at the picture other people seemed to have of him.

Hux sighed again – only this time in annoyance. “You are the second person within a short span of time to come to that conclusion.”  

“Whatever. It can be of quite an advantage if you appear so different from your former self. But I didn’t come here to discuss your visual aesthetics. Correct me if I’m wrong: After Master Ren forcefully snatched you from your destroyer, you two were on the run until someone decided it might be a splendid idea to take over this little gem here to continue your joined get-away more anonymously.”

“You are a smart girl.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere, Red.”

“Your antipathy for honorifics is quite astonishing.”

“Tell me, whom should I honor with verbiage like that? It’s as you said: You are no one. And no one stole my ship when I needed it most.”

“It was your master who decided to take it, for Kriff’s sake! Be angry at him if you have to! I had absolutely no say in this, and believe me I hate that with every fiber of my being. It’s always Ren who’s making decisions right over my head. Again and again. And I’m left to pick up the pieces.” Hux had talked himself into a rage, channeling all his pent-up frustrations into his words. In the end, he was shaking with simmering anger, and the golden flood hummed around him as if to sing along.

Sanna’s confusion was almost palpable as she just stood there, gazing up at him. “You’re Force-sensitive…how didn’t I notice before…You feel like Master Ren, only much more subdued.” Again, she was back scrutinizing him like a beetle under a magnifying lens. “How’s that even possible?” she asked with a huff.

Hux visibly deflated, and let himself sink onto the armrest of the pilot’s seat. “That’s a long story.”

Mirroring his move, she reclined into the co-pilot seat, crossing her legs and folded her hands neatly on top of her knees.

“I’m all ears, Red.”

“Would you _stop calling me that_? It grates on my nerves.”

“Good, then it served its purpose. You seem to be one of those persons, who are easier to approach when their guard is down.” Now, she had the nerve to point her finger at him. “And you’ve shown your true colors mere moments ago. Under that icy shell of yours, you’ve got quite a temper, haven’t you?”

Hux just groaned. “You’re a nuisance. I’ve known you for all of five minutes, but you are a nuisance.”

“The two of us seem to have to work on our verbiage,” Sanna said, a thin smile playing at the corners of her full lips. “I would love to quit our debate on linguistics here, and return back to your story of how you ended up alone in my ship with Lord Ren’s treasured lightsaber in your hands.”

“I’m not getting rid of you without a good night story, am I?”

“I won’t let you off the hook that easily, handsome. Spill it.”

“Given the fact that you already started your guessing-game, how about proceeding like that? You guess the storyline and I will correct you if needed?”

“You are a fucking complicated character, Red. I hope you know that I could just pluck the information from that brain of yours if I choose to do so. But okay; I’ll play along. For now.”

As if to underscore her words, Hux felt a tingling touch travelling up from the base of his skull to come to a halt at his temples, scraping over his scalp on its way. Not enough to hurt, but sufficiently unpleasant.

Sanna was obviously basking in his uncomfortableness, yet she started her pondering nonetheless.

“After you took my baby, you were able to move more freely. But the risk of being uncovered so shortly after the Order’s fall was rather high. My guess is that you went into hiding somewhere remote, yet cozy.”

“I wouldn’t call Tatooine ‘cozy’, but, yes, your skills in deduction are rather decent so far.”

“Tatooine?! Honestly? Why would Lord Ren choose a planet so ingrained with his own family’s history?”

“I’ve got no clue. And you’re right again: That exactly brought up troubles faster than expected.”

Sanna leant forwards on her knees, rotating the chair to face him more directly. “The Resistance showed up, blasters ablaze, all ready to collect your heads for the glory of the New Republic.”

Hux had to smile at her unveiled sarcasm. “Well, not exactly, but it was a close call: I received a visit from the highest Rebel nobility.”

“Leia Organa herself hunted you down?! And you got away like that?”

“This time you are mistaken, though not by much. Luke Skywalker paid me a drink, and we had a heartfelt chat over some nice dinner.”

His counterpart was staring at him, mouth agape.

“We searched the whole, wide galaxy for any trace of that fucker, and he just waltzed into you like that? Oh Maker, is he the reason Lord Ren isn’t with you?” She was clearly agitated by now, fidgeting in her seat, all demeanors of silence and serenity long gone. “Maker, did he kill Master Ren? That’s why you have his saber?! You took it after his death and ran? But I would’ve felt his end, I’m sure of that!”

“Calm yourself, Ren isn’t dead; the two of them haven’t even met. Ren left the planet before Skywalker arrived. It was me who was stupid enough to linger instead of fleeing, too.”

“Red, this guessing game of yours sucks. Master risked so much in rescuing you – why would he leave you behind like that? That doesn’t make any sense.”

“This is where my sudden Force powers come into play: Ren had somehow transferred some of his own onto me, and feared that through the resulting bond between us he would be the beacon that would lure the Resistance right to me.”

“Wait-wait- _wait_. The two of you are _Force-bonded_?!” Here, her mad scientist’s gaze was back full-fledged. “I always knew that Lord Ren had such a liking to you that he himself seemed to be quite unaware. He must’ve come to some _conclusions_ along the way. I’m not mistaken, am I, Red?”

She leant back, observing him with an expression that could only be described as somewhere between ‘smug’ and ‘lewd’.

Why in Kriff’s name were strangers forcing him to elaborate his love-life recently? Damn Ren and his lot. He was positive that the grinding of his teeth could be heard in the adjourning solar system.

“Come on, precious, it was you who insisted on playing this guessing game. Now answer my question.”

“You aren’t mistaken,” Hux hissed between still-clenched teeth.

“So; Master Ren noticed that he is more than a little attracted to you, and things escalated to the more…bodily aspects of human interaction. Right?”

Well, Sanna could’ve formulated it way cruder than that, and it would’ve been within her vocabulary and characteristics to do so, so Hux was more or less grateful that she granted him that small mercy.

“You fucked like Banthas in heat, didn’t you?”

So much for granting small mercies.

“Sanna Ren!” he shouted, jumping up from the armrest to lean right into her personal space, relying solely on his height and righteous indignation.

“Okay, okay, Red, chill, I got it. No sex-talk, okay.”

Hux swallowed whatever retort had been on his tongue, and sat down again.

“Let’s start anew: Due to emotional and…physical attachment, a Force-bond built between the two of you, that proved to be a - The source of your sudden powers, and b - The reason for Master Ren’s decision to flee in order to save you from whatever comes hunting him down.”

“Accurate.”

“And now you’re on the search for him, because your undying love for him won’t let you sleep at night?”

“Why do you have to be like that…”

“Because I’m _me_. I can only ever be myself. No more, no less. _Just me_. I would advise you to do the same. Also: You haven’t answered my question.”

Hux closed his eyes, and dragged a hand over his face, but when he opened them again, the scenery remained pretty much the same, with a Mirialan woman sitting right in front of him, smiling smugly. His voice had a surprisingly soft timbre when he answered her.

“I won’t abandon him. I _won’t_.”

Sanna rose to her feet, and spanned the small space between them in one, fluid motion, grasping his chin in one of her hands. Tilting his head towards her, she looked straight into his eyes with a powerful intensity that belied her narrow frame.

“You do love him. And now you’re stuck in your quest to find him. That’s unfortunate. But I think you’re just using the wrong tactics here, precious. If you can’t track him down through your bond, keep in mind that this connection goes both ways and beyond. Search another way, and make him come to _you_.”

“What…what other way? And how?”

She patted his cheek, then flopped down on the main console, narrowly missing the yoke. “Imagine a Force-bond as a net that connects you to your significant other, but just as Master had feared, all others that have such a connection with him, too.”

“Wait, what you’re saying is that through my bond with Kylo, I could be able to follow the line that would lead me to his mother?”

“Are we playing a reversed version of your guessing game now? You ask, I answer?”

“Fucking answer my question, you dolt!”

Sanna just chuckled and nodded her head. “Yes, through Master, you could follow all bonds that lead to and away from him.”

“But why would I do that? I’d end up in the Lion’s den. Again.”

“Yes, you would, but what else could force him to turn on his heels, and come running to your rescue? What if you did the act he tried to avoid in the first place: General Organa laying hand on you in the name of justice.”

“This is a genuinely stupid plan, Sanna Ren.”

“Admittedly, yes, but do you have any better plans? It’s either staying on the more or less safe side, gaining nothing but an endless journey, or risking it all by facing your biggest nemesis that will eventually reunite you with your lover. Your choice, Red. And that smart brain of yours will figure out an escape once the two of you are together again. Maybe you’ll slaughter all who’ll stand in your way; maybe you’ll flee without looking back. Again: Your choice.”

Hux didn’t answer for quite some time as he watched the stars drift by absentmindedly. “This plan is suicide. A one-way ticket.”

Sanna slid to her feet again, cornering him on his armrest. “You’re going to do it, aren’t you?”

“…yes.”

“The things we do for love, eh?”

“Shut it.”

“You really aren’t the romantic type. But! I’m starting to get what Lord Ren sees in you. I mean, _aside_ from your physique. You’ve got quite a character. It isn’t necessarily a good one, but who cares. Better a bad character than none!”

“I’m amazed by your infantile logic.”

“It has saved me a lot of trouble so far, Red.”

She adjusted her hood and produced something out of the folds of her dress from one moment to the next, to let the items drop into Hux’s lap who snatched them away before they were able to make contact.

“A parting gift from my side. I guess you are in need of them in one way or another,” she said as she turned on her heel, and started to head for the door. “I’ll do my best to try to get in contact with my Master to aid you in your mission, but I can’t make any promises. Oh, and you may want to check on the upper cargo air lock. It’s prone to manipulation from the outside. A small vessel with a dedicated pilot could dock without anyone’s notice. I expect to see this ship again, whole and fully functioning, have I made myself clear? And say sorry to your little droid from me! You’ve got a very brave addition here!”

“…it has come to my attention, thank you.” 

“Bye, Red, take care! And! May the Force be with you!”

The door slid closed behind her with a hiss. In the sudden silence of the room, Hux whispered a shy “May the Force be with you, too.”

Eyeing the contents in his hands, Hux shook his head in disbelief. In one hand he held credits worth half a year’s First-Order-General salary. In his other lay a simple steel-grey mask. The horizontal line of the visor was one tangent, the forehead-to mouth line the other, forming a narrow, long cross. It looked to be worn and scratched in some places, but otherwise – surprisingly enough - up to Hux’s aesthetics.

For all of her weird personality, Sanna Ren seemed to be far from stupid and caring in her very own, very special way. With some delay, he realized that he kind of liked her.

But never before has he cherished the silence after an encounter like that.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [uhm, hello](http://blood-and-pepper.tumblr.com/)


	13. easy way-hard way

The Resistance’s Captain looked at him in what only could be described as sheer disbelieve. The communication-line flickered as the storms in the upper atmosphere of Ralran 3’s moon gained in intensity.

“I will repeat myself only once, so you better listen up, Captain,” Hux said, his voice oddly distorted by the vocoder of Sanna’s mask. “I am here to deliver a message from Lord Kylo Ren - to the ears of General Organa only.”

His stunned counterpart was recovering from her shock, fixing him with a hard stare. “And what convinces you that the General is here at all?”

His laugh was genuine when he answered, “The Force has led me here. I don’t expect you to understand that, Captain.”

“If you say so. But state one reason why I should believe a single word you’re saying. Your whole appearance isn’t exactly what I would call ‘reputable’. You haven’t even given us a name yet.” Her eyes roamed over his mask and attire unabashedly.

“I’m deeply sorry that I’m not up to your beauty-standards, Ma’am. But if my looks won’t convince you, maybe _this_ will.” With that he held out Kylo’s lightsaber hilt for her to see. “I’m here in the name of Lord Ren, and I won’t go until I’ve fulfilled what I came here for.”

Pressing the ignition, the small cockpit of the _Chimera_ was flooded in a crimson hue as the lightsaber hissed to life, spitting plasma in irregular pulses. To Hux’s silent delight, the Captain on the comm-line flinched back in surprise. Suddenly, he began to see where Kylo’s knack for drama and flamboyance stemmed from: The world shone in a different shade once you held an activated lightsaber in your hand. Hux felt its presence in every tiny cell of his body, and the undulated energy made him drunk on power.

“I sincerely hope that this item is enough to serve as a token of my credibility. If you insist on a name: My friends just call me Red, but given the fact that you can’t consider yourself as such, I would prefer to go unnamed by the likes of you. And now, I would appreciate it if you would finally be inclined to inform your superiors of my inquiry, _Captain_.”

  _Ah_ , good to know that his trademark General’s voice was still in working order – it was only a pity that the mask hid his steely gaze. In the not-so-distant past, the combination of the two had led grown men to cower in fear. But he must’ve reached his goal without the latter as the woman on the screen looked at him in open distaste, yet confirming his request with an “I will see what I can do. Stay in orbit, we’ll contact you again.”

Hux just cocked his head with a tiny nod, and the transmission faded out the same time he deactivated the saber. He was far from welcome here, but that didn’t change his decision to get where he wanted. A happy chirp let his focus wander to the wiry droid in the co-pilot seat.

“I admit you’re right. Somewhere out there, Sanna Ren is crying tears of laughter, because I actually use the horrible nickname she’d bestowed upon me. But it’ll do. General Hux is dead and gone, and _Red_ is right here, pretty much alive and kicking." Hux reclined back into his seat, closing his eyes for a moment. “We’ve made this far, Elty, it has to work.”

Following his bond to track down Organa had been harder than he originally imagined: His own connection to Kylo was a clear, defined line, but everything that flowed beyond that appeared nebulous and vague at first. He wished they could’ve talked more about her and Ren’s relationship. But ‘more’ was the wrong word: ‘At all’ would hit home more precisely. There were a whole lot of things they should’ve talked about more or at all, and he asked himself how many other important things had been left unsaid.

_Kylo had been more open than you. You were the one that kept secrets. You are the closed-up idiot._

He forced himself to shoo away any more thoughts about Kylo as they let the void inside of him deepen and expand.

When Hux first tried the other bonds connecting him with Kylo, he found that there were three more or less distinguishable tracks: One was easy to identify given the fact that Hux already came into contact with its signature: Luke Skywalker’s bond to Kylo lay dormant, nearly translucent in its inactivity. Hux had to smile fondly, because the old man kept word and stayed out of Kylo’s lane.

The other two had been harder to sort out as they lay in close proximity to each other, following different paths though. The thinner one shone in a blinding bright light, like a thread of undulated sunlight, but Hux lost track the moment he tried to follow: It dissolved in a firework of sparks that flew in each and every direction, repelling him with a violent burst that caused him gasp for air. Back then, Hux had not a shadow of doubt, who the owner of that bond had to be: _The scavenger girl._

Hux still felt scalding hot jealousy well up in him whenever his thoughts returned to her. Again, he knew nothing about the nature of Kylo’s relationship towards her, and the dubiety of it ate at him like a slow poison. Had the two of them had an affair? Or maybe they were related by blood? Kylo had been so awfully invested with her that he refused to see reason, payed no heed to Hux’s dire warnings. If it weren’t for that fixation on her, the resulting events might’ve taken another, more favorable course. But there was no use in wrecking his brain about what-ifs: The girl held no relevance to him even if he took into account that she played a leading role in the downfall of the Order.

In the end, Hux was surprised at how familiar that last bond felt upon the first tentative touch. It took him a moment to notice that he’d already left Kylo’s line behind, and was following the new track. It was undoubtedly Leia Organa who entailed her powers to her child as the energy binding them appeared to be made from the same texture, the same intensity.

Following that path to its source proved to be a piece of cake, and here they were: Orbiting the moon that housed General Organa herself. Hux wasn’t sure if his chosen strategy turned out to be the right one, yet he was by now convinced that he had to face Organa head-on in order to get Kylo back. He’d freed him from Skywalker’s influence, so he would try his hardest to achieve the same with her.

Hux could’ve simply chosen _the easy way_ : Turn himself in at the nearest Republican outpost to be delivered to the core worlds to face trail. He would’ve surely met Leia Organa along the way somewhere, somehow, but that would raise more problems than he intended. Furthermore, he would be confined, without the chance to take action, and next to no possibility for escape. That thought led to what one would call _the hard way_ : Sneaking his way undiscovered to her very doorstep by following the Force-bond that connects her to her beloved son and demand a private meet-up in disguise. If Sanna was right, Kylo would sort out Hux’s intentions and would be forced to make his move, too – whatever that might be. In the meantime, Hux had his chance severing the bond that chained Ren to his mother.

There were so many variables that made his head spin whenever his mind decided to strategize the finer plot lines.

Again, a trill in binary tore him from his musings.

“I’m not in a bad mood, Elty.”

Another set of tunes answered him, low and dropping in cadence, clearly indicating its disapproval.

“Then maybe you need an update in reading human facial expressions. I’m just a bit tense.” He exhaled a breath in annoyance, eyeing the droid as it gave him one of its trademark all-over-glances.

“Okay, maybe I _am_ in a bad mood. I’ve just got no idea how to cut the bond. Killing her would be the easiest option, but I most likely wouldn’t survive that either – and believe it or not: I’m a survivor with all of my heart. I don’t plan on dying there.”

The droid’s optical lenses were re-focusing on him as it listened closely, a small trill urging Hux on to continue his explanations.

“I hate not having a complete plan at the ready, but maybe the Force will be with me,” he said, only this time, he actually believed the phrase that would’ve been hollow and devoid of any real meaning not so long ago.

The beeping of an incoming transmission disrupted whatever answer Elty might’ve had.

“Captain no-name?”

Hux suppressed a snort, though it was a close call. Had the universe begun to call him stupid names out of habit? And when in Kriff’s name had he been degraded to ‘Captain’?! He was definitely in a bad mood _now_.

“I’m listening.”

“General Organa is very sorry to have made you wait. We are sending in two fighters to escort you to the surface.”

“Affirmative.”

“You are expected to hand over the weapon as soon as you’ll meet the delegation that will lead you to the base.”

“Captain, I’m afraid you didn’t listen to my inquiry earlier: I am to deliver my message and the lightsaber is my entry ticket. I won’t give that away so easily. Please keep in mind that I’m not your prisoner.”

The expression on her face turned sour. “Do you really expect us to grant you access with such a deadly weapon in your hands? That _thing_ has slain hundreds of us without remorse. ”

“Fair point. But, I will only hand it over to General Organa in person.”

The comm-line went silent for a few moments, then got re-activated with a click.

“Affirmative. We will proceed like that, but let me tell you one thing…,” her eyes narrowed down on him in contempt. “Don’t try any tricks on us, _Red_. Otherwise you’ll find yourself regretting it, I promise.”

“I really appreciate your warm welcome, Captain.” Hux’s words were practically dripping with sarcasm, and his counterpart switched off the connection before he was able to elaborate on that further. Instead, two x-wings made their appearance at the _Chimera’s_ flanks, leading her on towards the moon’s surface.

“Let the games begin, Elty, let the games begin,” Hux whispered as the ship nose-dived into the lead-grey currents of clouds, leaving orbit.

Heavy rain hammered against the hull, streaking the viewport in long rivulets. Holding course was a hard task while they descended through the storm until the ground with its blinking landing bay came into view where they touched down with the two fighter right in tow.

Armed forces circled the _Chimera,_ and Hux was quite sure that they weren’t militaristic decoration or part of a welcome party: They would end him if he proved to be a threat to their General. He made sure his mask sat in place and the lightsaber was clipped to his belt at his side, then he turned to the droid, hesitating for a tiny moment.

“Listen, Elty. I’ve got no clue how this mess will turn out. Maybe I’m doomed to die here; maybe I’ll make it back in one piece, so, keep the ship ready for an emergency-take-off, okay?”

The droid’s arm shot forwards, its claws cupping Hux’s upper arms in a firm grip as a distressed trill voiced its displeasure. 

“I already told you: I don’t plan on dying here, but I’m about to enter the den of the lioness and the risk of getting caught in her fangs is admittedly quite high.”

At Elty’s deflated tunes, a soft smile began to dance around the corners of his lips under the mask.

“I have to. This is not about me: I have to do this for Kylo. It all comes down to that, so if I want him back, I have to do this. I miss him so much, Elty.” His voice almost faded out at the last syllables as all the repressed emotions suddenly crawled up from deep within to spill into reality. Confessing that well-guarded secret even to a semi-conscious assemblage of wires and silicone plates was surprisingly difficult, but once the words left his mouth, Hux felt as if a heavy load had been lifted off his shoulders.

“I have to go,” he said, gently tugging at the mechanical hands still holding him. “Let me go, Elty. This is my way…no matter if it’s the easy one, or the hard one. I have to go,” he repeated with emphasis.

The droid’s arms slid back reluctantly, and something in Hux stirred when it didn’t utter another set of its trademark trills. Elty and ‘silence’ didn’t go together well.

“Kylo was right about you: I’m grateful that he’d chosen to repair you. I wouldn’t have made it here without your help.”

Hux couldn’t resist the urge and patted Elty’s worn head module when he finally got up to head for the door. The droid just stood there with its arms hanging listless at the sides, but its lenses followed Hux’s every move until he was out of sight. He didn’t look back until he made it to the loading ramp. The hallway to the cockpit looked like a dark, endless tunnel with a tiny yellow light at its end, but he faintly heard Elty’s low whistle of goodbye.

Pressing the mechanism for the exit, the tunes got lost in the whirring of the lowering ramp. The rain hadn’t let up as gusts of wind and water greeted him at full tilt. Hux pulled his hood down deeper and steadily strode to the front row of guards waiting for him, blasters at the ready. They parted by some silent command, allowing him to proceed until he was met by a small, heavily cloaked figure that met his gaze with unrestrained challenge from below its brim.

A smile bloomed on Hux’s features, hidden from all: Damn, did he recognize that kind of glance. Whereas the similarities between Skywalker and Kylo had been reduced to a bare minimum, the resemblance with his mother was so much more obvious: Dark, intelligent eyes and a posture made for drama and tragedy, prideful and strong, spoke of the same traits Hux was so used to associate with Kylo by now. Overall, her lines were softer than his, but there was no denying that this had to be one of his parents.

“Good evening, General Organa.”

Hux had to shout in order to be heard over the roaring storm. He was positive that she understood him even though she didn’t deign him with an answer. She searched his gaze through the slits of the mask’s visor, and the swift, icy touch Hux felt sweeping up his spine accompanied her probing. In the end, she simply extended her hand, palm up, without having uttered at single word, demanding Kylo’s lightsaber.

It’s strange how a small gesture like that could possibly decide his fate. Inwardly, Hux shrugged at his own detachment and unclipped the saber to let it fall into her waiting palm. Their gloved fingers brushed for the tiniest second, and he could see the bond he’d followed such a long time in all its sparkling clarity. This was what he came here for.

Whatever the outcomes of that encounter might be: He was on his way.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [uhm, hello](http://blood-and-pepper.tumblr.com/)


	14. questions that aren't questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please proceed with caution, because  
> a. the violence warning is there for a reason, and  
> b. Hux is not nice.

Leia Organa proved to be exactly the fierce woman her First Order file suggested, and Hux found himself immensely pleased by that. It wouldn’t make things easier, no, far from it, but he appreciated a worthy opponent. She had yet to direct a single word at him; her silence beginning to annoy him.

She’d led him into a room with a large window front – most likely some kind of conference unit: Functional and minimalistic designed, with a long table and some sets of chairs. Taking a seat near the window, whilst not even sparing him a single glance, Organa began turning the saber in her hands absentmindedly, and Hux couldn’t help himself but to be insulted by her callousness in regards of his very presence: His ego demanded to be seen. Hux had to forcefully remind himself that he no longer was the mighty General who would draw in everyone’s attention automatically, so he swallowed down his own bitterness, standing as stiff as a poker.

_Posture, Hux. Posture._

The rain still pattered against the glass and, occasionally, lightning would cast hash contrasts upon the surfaces of the room, lengthening the shadows and illuminated everything to a blinding white. Organa and he himself were caught together in the half-light, stuck-in-between; the whole situation suddenly morphing into something eerily surreal.

Her words sliced through the scenery sharper than any lightning bolt could ever be. “For a moment, I thought that you would be _him_. Just for some tiny, tiny moment you actually _were_.” Still, her gaze was trained on the blurry world beyond the transparisteel, her features strangely relaxed as if she was simply recalling a distant memory. “But there’s not an ounce of light in you. There had always been a spark of it left in-store deep down in the abyss of his soul. That’s where I’d always found my child again, even if it was buried below so many shadows.”

Hux flinched involuntarily, thinking back to that evening bathed in the glow of the sundown on Tatooine, when Ren and he had their debate about the possibilities of Ren returning to his family, thinking back about how he had almost the same picture painted out in his mind.

_Ben Solo wasn’t dead; he was just buried._

Now it was his turn to not being able to direct a single word to his counterpart, as his tongue was glued to the roof of his mouth in dread.   

“You are one of those shadows, aren’t you.”

Grammatically, that should’ve been a question, but Organa voiced it with such a conviction that it left no room for a question mark: it was a final statement.

Finally, her eyes found his through the slits of the visor and Hux choked out a mangled, “Yes.” He hated how insecure and small he sounded, but he wasn’t able to turn back the word to reshape it. Instead, he straightened his back even further, taking solace in his height, towering over her. “Yes, I guess I could be called like that.”

A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as her eyes shone with a soft power that reminded Hux of Skywalker. What a strange similarity between siblings. She didn’t appear to be intimidated by his tactics of physical superiority and continued to scrutinize him without a trace of fear. 

“You might have fooled me for a fraction of a second, but in the end, I knew who you were the moment you finished stepping down that ramp.”

“Always at your service, Ma’am,” he countered with a fake bow. Hux felt his usual sarcasm flow smoothly from his lips, and never before had he been more grateful for that automatism.

“Spare me your flowers of speech. Why are you here.”

Again, Leia Organa quite obviously had a thing for questions that weren’t, well, _questions_.

“True to my word: I have come to deliver a message from Kylo Ren,” Hux said, and watched her stiffen at the mention of that name. “Or how else do you think I would’ve been able to require that lightsaber? A Force-user would rather prefer to die than to part with it without a damn good reason.”

“You could’ve killed him.”

“Maybe I could have, but you would have _noticed_ , wouldn’t you?”

She fell silent again, the lines around her mouth deepening.

“I take your lack of answer as a confirmation then. Furthermore: You aren’t stupid. Chances are high that I actually came in contact with your son and he assigned me to get a word through to you.”

“And you would’ve done that because you are such a kindhearted person.”

Hux’s laugh echoed through the room. “I sincerely adore your cynicism, General, but I’m exactly what you’ve predicted earlier: I’m a shadow and there’s no comfort in those. I have my very own reasons for being here with all the immanent risks this visit represents, but that doesn’t alter the fact that Kylo Ren is the reason why I’ve appeared at your doorstep.”

“Excuse me, but my interest in your motivations are limited to the bare minimum, even though I have to admit that you puzzle me. Maybe that’s what’s made me spare your life so far.”

Rising from her seat, she began circling him, analyzing him with every step she took. “You track me down even though you are the only person that should be as far away from me as possible. Your Force-signature feels like Kylo Ren, and yet; you shouldn’t even have these powers in the first place. You are in possession of his deadly weapon, yet you hand it over to stand in front of me unarmed.” She finished rounding him, crossed her arms in front of her, and gazed up at him with a hard stare. “You are quite a riddle, General Hux.”

“I’m glad you deem my persona that interesting, but rest assured those happenstances only appear to be contradicting upon first glance,” Hux said while lowering his hood to unfasten Sanna’s mask. There was no use for it any longer; it had served its purpose and brought him here anonymously. He placed it on the conference table where it gazed up on them mute and blind, reduced to be a silent spectator. Without it, Hux felt his true self settle back into his bones, and he took a deep breath, exhaling slowly.

Organa merely stood there, taking in the sight in front of her without a comment. This time, Hux didn’t care. Quite in the contrary: he was definitely up for a good old staring contest.

“Just to satisfy my curiosity, General Organa: How did you figure out it was me?”

“Well, first of all: Your posture. You hold yourself like someone used to dish out commands. It has become your second nature without you noticing it, hasn’t it. Second: Your speech. You are so enamored by the sound of your own voice, it’s almost repulsive. I’ve listened to you talk to my Captain, and already had an inkling about who you are. Believe me or not: It almost gave you away then and there. But what really made me identify you was that very thing I have already told you: There’s no Light in you. You feel as if you’ve risen from the Dark itself. It doesn’t really matter which face you are showing me – be it the masked one, or this one.” With that, she pointed her finger at him, a knowing smile on her lips. “You could wear a dozen other, different faces; it wouldn’t change the essence of what you are deep down inside: a monster.”

Hidden in the chasms of his soul, Hux heard _chimera, the beast_ roar an ugly laugh that bubbled up his throat unasked, unrestrained. “You have no idea how true your words are, Organa.”

“I’ve unmasked you in more than one way, haven’t I.”

“You might want to learn to ask questions that actually sound like ones.”

“And you might want to learn to answer questions instead of evading them.”

“Then you have to ask the right questions.” Cocking his head to one side, he was sure it was the beast’s toothy smile that pulled at his lips. Leia Organa was ready to face it with fire in her dark eyes.

“Why are you here? What games are you playing? Why do you have Force-powers? What’s your role in all of this? Where’s my son? Are those the questions you will finally be inclined to answer?” Her tone was challenging, and for someone just reaching up to his collarbones she definitely was quite intimidating, but Hux kept holding his ground, sneering down at her.

“I have no idea where he’s hiding. Believe me: if I did, it might’ve spared me this rather awkward courtesy visit. Let’s play with open cards so that you come to realize that I’m not playing games with you.” This sentence in itself should’ve been impossible in its obvious contradiction, but Organa did neither notice nor care. He took a step to the side to lean against the table. Lowered like that, they were more or less at eye-level, and the gesture was not lost on Organa’s side as she relaxed at bit to listen to what Hux had to say.

“It was your son, who saved my life by abducting me from my burning ship and pampered me back to health in the following weeks. We were on the run from your troops, hiding in the remote areas of some solar systems until we finally made it to the relative safety of Tatooine.”

He watched her raising her brows in astonishment and lifted his hand to interrupt her before she had the possibility to speak up. “I’ve next to no idea why he’d chosen that planet, General. I know by now that your family line is deeply ingrained to that place, but my guess is that he simply knew it well enough to pick a decent hideaway that kept us away from prying eyes and unwanted questioning.”

Organa just nodded, eyes trained to the ground, lost in thought again. “But, obviously, it didn’t work out,” she deadpanned.

Hux was laughing in a huff. “Yes, obviously, and that’s where _you and your lot_ came into play.”

Lifting her gaze again, she stared at him in open confusion, just managing a whispered “What? How?”

“You are Force-sensitive, are you not? Use your powers then! Search for him the way you do from time to time whenever you miss him too much. Follow your bond a bit farther and you’ll have all your answers. Or should I help you along a bit? I’m used to both of your signatures by now.”

His hand surged forward, circling her left wrist in an iron grip as he concentrated on his bond to Kylo, leaving her no chance but to be dragged along. Organa gasped in surprise the moment she realized how interwoven those bonds where – and that Hux took a solid part in them.

“You’re bonded; you are both tied together,” she rasped out in incredulity, trying to wind out of Hux’s claw, yet he only increased the pressure, drawing her in closer. A flash of lightning was casting deep lines on her face as the thunder let the transparisteel shake in its frame a blink of an eye later.

“Yes we are, and that’s exactly what has brought me here,” he growled right into her personal space. “ _You_ are the reason why he never can be free. _You_ are the reason he has to run to the edges of the galaxy in order to get away from you _. You are the reason he had to leave me behind_.” As his last words were hissed with such bitterness and hurt, the ghost of sudden realization crossed Organa’s face.

“You love him,” she said, voice garbled, any resemblance of the proud General of the Resistance long gone. Instead of answering, he pulled her deeper along the glowing band connecting them. Why did that sentence have such disturbing tendency to haunt him like that? It flowed from everyone’s lips like a magical spell, yet he was barely able to _think_ those few words.

Hux felt a familiar echo reverberating in the frequency of his bond, but dismissed it as being part of his agitation, while his grip on her wrist grew unbearable. “You are the obstacle in his way to gain the freedom he deserves.” Organa’s eyes were wide with pain and fear, and Hux relished them. “I give you one, last chance to set him free: Release your bond that chains him to you.”

Her chest was heaving in shallow breaths, staring him down in unveiled hatred. “How dare you. How dare you to demand something like that. Only a monster could ask a mother to willfully severe the bond to her child! You _disgust_ me.”

 _Chimera, the beast_ , screamed outrage that resonated in every fiber of his being, and Organa flinched as if she’d been able to hear its battle cry.

Maybe she actually _did_ hear it.

Her Force-connection was the same, winding river, but the moment Hux channeled his rage into it, it changed its structure and grew palpable, almost solid. Distantly, he heard someone calling his name in rising urgency, yet he kept his focus on what appeared to be the source of all of his problems. _The beast_ wanted to crawl out of his skin and Hux felt its fangs at his throat. He prepared for the impending bite, but it surged forwards and beyond the cage of Hux’s body instead to begin gnawing at the bond right in front of it.

This time, it wasn’t thunder that shook the window, but a set of explosions bathed the room in an orange hue as the area beyond the transparisteel began to burst and burn. Simultaneously, he was aware that Organa was screaming in terror, and that an eerily familiar voice pleadingly spoke _don’t, don’t, don’t_ into the back of his skull, but Hux watched _the beast_ tear apart the golden line until nothing else was left other than tiny glistening flecks of light, floating like feathers in the breeze.

The pain came sudden and severe, from one moment to the next, and no previous injury could’ve possibly prepared him for that intensity – not even the burns he got on his crashing star destroyer rivaled that agony: It forced the beast down into the abyss of his soul again where it wailed along. Hux wanted to scream, too, but no sound left his opened mouth as his eyes finally took in the world around him with crushing urgency.

Leia Organa was crouching on the ground, Kylo’s treasured lightsaber in hand, still spitted plasma in angry pulses. Strangely enough, her terrified gaze wasn’t on him, but trained on the thing that was lying right next to her feet. Hux’s whole body was whacked by violent shudders, and if he had the air to laugh out loud, he would’ve done it from the bottom of his heart: The Force was playing a cruel joke on him, because in the dirt of the conference room and illuminated by the fires from outside, his very own hand was lying there like a lost item.

Following the causation of that circumstance, Hux glared at the stump on the base of his lower arm. Bile was rising up his throat, and his shivering intensified once his brain connected the dots to let the pain finally find a home. White blotches began dancing across his vision, yet Hux was still marveling the fact that a lightsaber wound was surprisingly un-bloody due to its cauterizing nature.

The moment the viewport-front burst into a thousand shards, he was already sliding sideways. Hux had the strong impression of a déjà vu; of being catapulted back in time to relive the last moments of the _Finalizer_ again: Kylo, appearing out of nowhere with Hux’s name on his lips, a pain greater than anything soaring in his veins, and the accompanying knowledge that everything was going according to a fate that he had next to no influence on. Things were no longer his to decide. For once he was grateful for that.

He heard Organa muttering words in agitation, but they didn’t matter, because Kylo’s energy was back all around him, cradling him like an infant. If someone would’ve asked him how he’d feel right now, Hux would’ve been inclined to say: I’m set aflame and burning from the inside out, but, damn, I’ve never been happier. No one was asking him questions that weren’t questions, so he could indulge in being really happy for maybe the first time in his life. He wanted to look at Kylo, but his eyes were unwilling to focus; he wanted to speak of his giddiness, but his voice bubbled up disfigured and unrecognizable.

Hux felt Kylo’s large palm cupping his head to support him, taking in his whispered mantra of _I’m sorry, I’ve left you behind, I’m here now, I love you so much,_ and, again, Hux wondered how everyone around him was able to utter those words with such ease. Maybe they were worth trying them out now. It took him long enough.

He was being lifted with his head resting in the crook in Kylo’s neck. Hux’s words were mumbled and almost inaudible, but Kylo’s grip on him tightened when their meaning sank in.

_I love you, too._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [uhm, hello](http://blood-and-pepper.tumblr.com/)


	15. mothers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I did it. It's actually DONE. This is going to be the last chapter, and I want to hug all those wonderful people in the ever-supportive kylux-fandom for coming such a long way with me and that story. Thanks for all your input and meta, thanks for pointing out plotbunnies and stuff you genuinly enjoyed.  
> I wouldn't have made it that far without my awesome beta nocturnalknowitall who saved us all from typos and grammar-mash-up with that laser-pointer-eyes of theirs.
> 
> Especially as a foreign language writer, I'm quite proud of that story, I learned a lot while it developed bit by bit.
> 
> [uhm, hello](http://blood-and-pepper.tumblr.com/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers for suicide and loss of limbs. Again.

_Her frail hands were cupping his face in a tender hold._

_You’ve grown so much, my sweetheart; you’re such a big boy already. I know you’ll make it through everything and become a wonderful person._

_He knew that something was horribly off with the innocent naivety of a child that’s used to read the mimic of its mother by heart, yet he hesitated to voice his concerns and continued to stare up at her with frightened eyes._

_You’re so strong, Armitage, so much stronger than I could ever be._

_Her thumbs were drawing soothing circles upon his cheekbones, and he swallowed down the lump in his throat, because his mom didn’t like to see him cry._

_Do you have your suitcase ready, dear? Yes? Wonderful! Then do as we’ve talked about earlier. The speed-car will get you to your father. Remember, it’s only for a tiny, tiny while. I’ll be back shortly._

_Then she kissed his cheek and hugged him tightly. Reluctantly, he peeled from her body to drag his bag to the waiting vehicle and took a seat in the back. She waved him Goodbye until he lost sight of her behind one of the cargo buildings._

_They were already driving for some time, when he suddenly recalled that he’d forgotten his data pad full of homework on the kitchen counter.  His father would be livid if he showed up without it._

_Stop! Please, stop, I have to return, Sir! I’ve forgotten something important. Please head back!_

_The driver regarded him in annoyance, but did as asked. Finally, back at what he called ‘home’, he rushed to the kitchen as fast as his small feet carried him, and snatched the desired item from where it still sat._

_Mom! I’ve forgotten my data pad! Mom?_

_Stepping into the Livingroom, he found her as she looked down at him from eyes unseeing, body dangling from the ceiling on a rope that had already broken her slender neck._

 

Hux woke with a scream.

Burning pain was shooting up his right arm, and he winded to the side in a futile attempt to escape that searing agony, until he collided with something warm and solid. Arms were circling him, and a palm pressed his head to a chest that heaved in deep, even pulses.

“Shhh, don’t move, you’re injured. It’s okay, I’ve got you, Hux. It was a dream, nothing but a dream.” 

He smelled sweat and blood and something wonderfully familiar, so he let himself fall against the warmth holding him, as the pain slowly receded to a dull throb and his breathing returned to normal. A duvet was gently placed on top of him, sheltering him further. The fingers raking through his hair never stopped their silent dance, scraping softly across his scalp, tugging at the strands to loosen the knots that had formed. For a moment, Hux wasn’t really sure whether the hands belonged to his mother or Kylo: both wandered in realms he couldn’t follow, but only the two of them touched him with so much care and adoration. Maybe he was already dead and this was what the Beyond felt like. On the other hand, he was quite sure that Hell was waiting for him, not this place where pain turned into soft touches so easily. It took a few minutes until the words that had been spoken to him registered, stirring him from his relaxed state again.

_Sweet Maker and all deities of the galaxy._

His throat was sore, his voice a caw. “I’m still dreaming, am I not? I’ve had this dream so many times…you being back…me finally reaching you…the Force reuniting us in ways unimaginable. Only to have it all trampled down to dust and ashes, as each morning brought me back to an empty bed. I’m afraid. Afraid to open my eyes and face this bleak reality again. It’s stupid, I know. But let me stay here in the half-light between waking and dreaming for a bit longer. Only here, you’re real.”

A chuckle rippled through the torso below him, bubbled up against his own skin. If that was a dream, it had to be an awfully realistic one.

“Open your eyes, Hux, I’m quite real.”

“No. No way in _hell_. This is my dream, I want to keep it. There are enough nightmares floating around in my brain, dreams where everyone is dead and gone, so let me keep _this nice one_ , okay?! It’s the only nice dream I have.”

The silence following Hux’s sentence was pregnant with astonishment.

“I’m your only nice dream, yeah?”

“Dream-you is stupid as fuck. I said so, didn’t you listen?”

The kiss that was pressed to the crown of his head felt heavenly and reconciled him with the backtalk of dream-Kylo.

“You’re adorable. You’re a bitching grouser, but you are adorable.”

“’m not.”

“Open your eyes, Hux. I promise I’ll be there.”

In the end, Hux wasn’t able to resist those soft words being whispered into his ear with a huffing breath: He blinked his eyes open to see the streaking stars of the hyper jump tunnel over the smooth, pale skin of Kylo’s chest and shoulder. The scar from the battle on Starkiller was still a rosy, raised line that ran up the side of his throat to continue its path on his cheek until it finally ended mere inches above his eyebrow. Hux followed the trail with the fingertips of his left hand, because, strangely enough, his right hand didn’t want to follow his commands.

“You _are_ real.”

“I’m keeping my promises.”

Lifting his head, he met Kylo’s eyes.

What once was a half-sleep with soft edges and undefined rules grew solid in an instant as Hux’s fingers hovered in the air next to Kylo’s cheek, frozen in time. 

“You left me behind.”

There was not a hint of accusation in his tone, only bone-deep fatigue and resignation. The arms holding him tightened, and guilt was washing across Kylo’s features like a tidal wave. Hux watched all those micro-expressions the same way someone would read an open letter: There was nothing hidden between the lines, the words hitting home true and honest. Maybe he wanted Kylo to defend himself in his usual volatile nature with spite and fire, but that display of mute admission let anger rise up his chest.

“I know you meant well, and in your fucked-up concept of protecting me from harm, your course of action actually _did_ make sense. But I was wrong by expecting that you had grasped some basic rules in regards of me.”

He tried to wind out of the embrace that only moments before had meant the world to him, shucking himself out of the duvet. The other loosened his grip a fraction, but kept a steady hand to Hux’s side, preventing him from toppling over. Clutching his left hand into Kylo’s shoulder to hold himself upright and the other an arm’s length away, he fixed him with a hard stare through the fringe that had fallen across his eyes.

“Remember, Kylo, the first time you patched me up and wanted to knock me unconscious again? Do you? What exactly did I demand from you?”

Kylo had the decency to look remorseful as he lowered his gaze and exhaled a long, shaky breath.

“That I don’t make decisions on your behalf.”

A thin-lipped smile hushed over Hux’s face, and he nodded without another word, but intensified his hold to Kylo’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Hux, I really am.”

“That’s not what I want to hear. But eventually we’ll come to that, so let’s just continue. Back on Tatooine, when you brought in Elty for reassembling, we had that little fallout next to the landing ramp, I’m sure you remember that, too.” A tiny nod indicated that Kylo actually did. “What did I ask of you to prevent conflicts like that one?”

Kylo’s gaze roamed across the duvet as if to find the answer to the question in the webbing of the fabric. He looked up to meet Hux’s eyes when epiphany finally hit him.

“Talk to you when something is wrong.”

“Yes, that’s it. And you did _neither_. You didn’t talk to me when you were troubled. You continued to make decisions over my head.”

Kylo was clearly at a loss at how to proceed as he tried to plead entreatingly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I promise. I…I love you so much, please believe me.”

Tears of anger welled up in Hux’s eyes, and he was close to yelling at him. “Again, that’s not what I want to hear, you idiot! I don’t need your promises, not even your vows of undying love! I want your _respect_. I want you to accept my boundaries, my autonomy. All your love and dedication means _fucking_ _nothing_ if you continue to disregard that.”

He was breathing heavy and the dull ache in his arm had transformed to a tearing pain that made sweat pearl down his forehead. “Let me have part in your decisions, especially if they concern the both of us.” Stopping to gulp in air to fight down the pain, Hux pressed his injured limb to his belly, while his hold to Kylo’s shoulder unclamped bit by bit. “You reclaimed your own freedom. Grant me mine now. I want to make my own mistakes again.”

Nodding in silent confirmation, Kylo had to fight his own tears, eyes filled to the brim with unshed sorrow. “If you want to go, I won’t stand in your way,” he said monotonously, voice breaking in the end.

Hux shook his head in resignation, but a tired smile hushed over his lips. “I don’t want to be caught up in a dilemma I’ve got no way out of, being forced to turn in circles without escape. Like my mother. If she’d taught me one thing, it’s that all the love in the world won’t save you if you aren’t treated with respect. That’s what ultimately destroyed her.”  He allowed the tears to fall, watched them plop down on Kylo’s thigh to leave dark dots there. He couldn’t remember the last time, he’d actually cried for his mother’s fate, but now seemed to be a good time to do so. Kylo just sat there and watched him with a sad sympathy so very unlike him.

 “I don’t want to go,” Hux said into the tense silence surrounding them. “I am asking you to _share_ the walk on that way, not letting me part from it. But I demand to have a say in where we’re heading. I don’t want promises, but whenever you have the urge to make those two, fatal mistakes again, restart and reconsider. For my sake. For yours.”

“Okay, I got it.” Kylo was sniffling; the ghost of a smile not unlike Hux’s own appeared on his face. “And…you…you are asking me to be your boyfriend, aren’t you?”

“Nuisance. You are a nuisance.”

“You _are_.”

 “For Kriff’s sake, if you want to phrase it like that: Yes, I am. At least _someone_ has to get this relationship rolling.”

In an instant, Kylo was back at circling his arms all around him gently, pulling him back against his chest, and Hux sagged into the embrace in an exhausted welcome, sliding his own arm across the others broad back. It never failed to amaze him how soft that oaf of a man could be if he chose to. As if to confirm Hux’s musings, Kylo’s next words were a testament to that.

“I love you,” he whispered into the skin of Hux’s neck.

“I know, you said so. Repeatedly.”

“There isn’t a chance that I get you to say it back while fully conscious, is it?”

“When have I ever said anything alike?”

“You…don’t remember? Back on the moon when you got into that fight with my…with General Organa, but I guess you must’ve already slipped into shock.” 

And suddenly, the pain in his arm began to make sense as fleeting pictures of that had happened there made their reappearance right before his inner eye: The lightning storm that was howling beyond the transparisteel. Organa’s fierce eyes and words. Sanna’s mask staring up at him from the conference table. The golden bands that meandered through the void. And he remembered _Chimera, the beast_ with its uncountable heads and sharp fangs as it slashed Organa’s bond to her son to floating debris. In the end, it was his own severed hand that lay on the ground to prove that his journey had come to its final destination. Everything that transpired after that drastic act remained nebulous, and Hux could only guess that it must’ve been his sub-consciousness that started to babble truths that weren’t yet meant to be spoken aloud.

But whatever.

“I destroyed the bond for good, haven’t I? I cut you off from your mother. Severed the umbilical cord a second time. It’s felony, from a moral point of view at least. I’m the monster; the _beast_. I’m _Chimera_.”

The hand was back carding through his hair and there was a tiny pause before Kylo spoke up. “Yes, you are. And that beast did what I was unable to accomplish. I…I…this was…” The sentence was left unfinished, and Hux felt his struggle as if it were his own, so he let the tips of his finger wander along the others spine in order to soothe him. Obviously, that strategy worked out fine.

“I was never really able to emancipate myself from her; you are the one who’s suffering because of my shortcomings, and there’s nothing I can do about it. It should’ve been my hand that had to serve as the price for freedom, not yours. It’s like you paid my bills, you know? But I wasn’t aware how much of my own powers transferred onto you. I never thought that you would be able to rival her presence in the Force. Once I sensed what you were up to, I hurried to get to you in time, but I came too late. Again. Like back then on the _Finalizer_ , I was only able to drag you from the battlefield after you did all the fighting on your own.”

Ren kissed the top of his head again, and Hux spontaneously convinced himself that he loved this tiny gesture with the giddy naivety of an infatuated teenager.

“I wished so much for you to stay unblemished - and now you’re missing a limb on top of a long line of burn scars,” Ren continued with a defeated sigh. “It’s due to my bad influence.”

Hux just chuckled, and, for the first time, risked a glance at the seal that covered the stump at the end of his forearm that still sent spikes of pain through him again and again, but the visual input alone wasn’t able to let it all sink in. As matter of fact: He had to master his life without the aid of his right hand from now on.

_Let me be your right hand then._

Hux felt the words resonate through him, and the comfort they provided soared through his bloodstream to cover his whole self like in a cozy blanket.

“It was my decision,” he said, and as if to amplify, “mine alone. It was my risk to take, so I’m pretty fine with its outcomes, because I accomplished my mission. The two of us are at the very same point we’d been before, yet freed _and_ bonded at the very same time, aren’t we?”

If Hux had expected a verbal answer then he’d been left hanging in the ropes, as Kylo descended down on him to meet him in a kiss that did shut off any further questioning.

Maybe except a special one. Speaking in that shared space, Kylo’s question woke sleeping dogs with a bang.

“Did you come up with a name for me, Hux?”

Turning in his arms, Hux looked at him as if struck by lightning: He had spent the last weeks, _months_ plotting and planning to get Kylo back; his mind all-consumed by the circling thoughts about this very man – yet he’d completely forgotten to ponder the assignment that’d been given to him. The silent knowing gleam in Kylo’s eyes already told him that he knew that Hux had had other problems at hand, but Hux wouldn’t have been General of the First Order if he couldn’t be but excellent at improvising when faced with a sudden challenge.

Hux raised himself on his one, good arm. As he pulled himself up to Kylo’s eyelevel, he was outright beaming at him. Then, the answer was almost palpable on the tip of Hux’s tongue.

“ _Of course_. Of course I’ve got a name for you.”

With that, he spanned the gap between them again; breathing softly, he whispered against Kylo’s open mouth.

“’Lover’. I’ll call you my lover from now on.”

The mirth in Kylo’s half-lidded gaze was reward enough.

 

 

 End/Fin/Finito/fucking ENDE UND AUS


End file.
